Santorum Campaign Braces for 'Enhanced Backlash'

Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum’s bid to become the first anally conceived Presidential candidate on a major party ticket hit its 47th major roadblock yesterday in the wake of comments made challenging current Senator and former POW John McCain’s understanding of ‘enhanced interrogation techniques’.

Even the most staunch of Santorum supporters, such as ‘Reverend’ Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church, acted quickly to distance themselves from this latest gaffe.

“In light of some recent, disturbing remarks made by Senator Santorum, the Westboro Baptist Church has decided to postpone indefinitely his planned appearance as a guest pastor,” Phelps announced to reporters reading from a prepared statement.  “While we still share much common ground, recent events have called into question Mr. Santorum’s sense of propriety and decorum.  For example, we are confident that just as God and we do – and in spite of the fact that he’s using a Langston Hughes quote as his campaign slogan – Mr. Santorum really does hate fags.  But when we consider candidates for such an exalted office as President of the United States, we cannot ignore patterns of behavior they exhibit publicly.  Therefore, we have decided to withhold any decision regarding support until such time as the Senator demonstrates the same sort of respect we have always had for public decency.”

Others, particularly past, present, and prospective GOP Presidential candidates, were more succinct:

“While I have always questioned John McCain’s patriotism, I must say Rick really crossed the line on this one.” – Michelle Bachmann

“OMG!  What a douchey thing to say!” – Sarah Palin, via Twitter

“According to my investigators on the ground in Pennsylvania, people will be shocked to learn where Santorum was born.” – Donald Trump

“What a douche bag!  Can we please talk about him instead of Paul Ryan?” – Newt Gingrich

“The public mandate was the right thing for Massachusetts.  Rick Santorum may have been fine for Pennsylvania.  Neither is right for the country.” – Mitt Romney

“What a douche bag!” – Pat Buchanan

Very unfortunate… This could cost me my time slot when he returns to Fox News.”  – Mike Huckabee

“What a douche bag!” – Herman Cain

“I think Senator Santorum may have just opened the door wide enough for me to carry Minnesota.” – Tim Pawlenty