In the wake of last Friday’s Standard & Poor’s downgrade of the United States’ long-term debt — which focused in large part on the effect that the nation’s political climate may have on its future creditworthiness – nine Wall Street brokerage houses today took the unprecedented step of issuing ratings on the Tea Party, with six announcing that they will also initiate coverage of actual political parties in the coming weeks.
“More and more savvy investors are seeing the connection between their elected officials and their bottom lines,” noted Citigroup’s Juniper Toomey, “so we felt it only proper to provide insight that might keep more of our clients away from rooftops, bridges, and open windows between now and the 2012 elections.”
Analysts at Citigroup, like six of the eight others, initiated its Tea Party coverage with a ‘Sell’ rating, indicating their belief that the movement’s value will decline by 15% or more within the next 12 months. Ms. Toomey, who authored the report explaining their outlook, told reporters, “The last several years have seen cataclysmic shifts in political climates, particularly those in the United States and the oil rich Middle East. The uncertainty caused by the present U.S. climate – ushered in by the ‘Tea Party Era’– results from uneasiness on the part of investors that a representative democracy can adequately function without compromise. Or to put it in layman’s terms, ‘the fastest way to find a bottom is to put a bunch of assholes in charge’.”
Tea Party Patriots spokesman Weir Dippschitz dismissed the analyst’s claims, saying, “The whole notion of ‘political climate change’ is nothing more than a left-wing hoax based on dubious science and economics used as an excuse to defend big government and gay marriage. O.k. – so the market is down more than 10% in the last two trading sessions. People forget that the market dropped 22% in one day back in October of 1987. Not coincidentally, that was also the last time we had a liberal in the White House who also raised taxes on job creators – even going so far as to make the top bracket 50%.”
Mr. Dippschitz then pointed out that Wall Street was not unanimous in its view of the Tea Party by reading the following excerpt from the one brokerage house that initiated its coverage with a ‘Buy’ rating:
“The Tea Party has not only swept into Washington by mounting many a white steed, but we believe that given free rein to continue, it will do the same for Wall Street. Their confident swagger, steadfast resolve, blind faith in their vision, and courage in the face of modern advances in science and technology remind us of ourselves in 2007-2008. Without these same attributes, we at Lehman Brothers would never have earned the place we have in our nation’s history.”