Jesus Confirms World Ended Saturday

Appearing at a poolside press conference at the Las Vegas Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, Jesus Christ officially announced his return in anticipation of his long-awaited showdown with the Antichrist.  In doing so, he confirmed . . . → Read More: Jesus Confirms World Ended Saturday

Pawlenty Announcement to Kick-Off The Tribulation

So much for ‘boring’.

Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty may make the biggest splash of any of the 2012 GOP candidates when he jumps into the ring on Monday – less than 48 hours after Saturday’s much-anticipated Rapture, and exactly two months since he chose the day of the last vernal equinox to announce the formation of his Presidential Exploratory Committee.

According to his campaign manager Nick Ayers, the timing of the announcement, “should demonstrate clearly to what’s left of the American public that Governor Pawlenty not only has a pulse, but also has his finger on the pulse of current events.” Sipping from an oversized margarita during the 2-for-1 happy hour at a St. Paul area Houlihan’s, Mr. Ayers added, “The timing of his announcement shows what a brilliant strategist he truly is.”

Karl and Meegan Toomey, whose Pueblo, Colorado-based apocalyptic think-tank just celebrated its eighteenth, and what many in the Republican base believe will be its final, anniversary, concurred with Mr. Ayers – except for the absence of salt.  In their just released ‘Pre-Apocalypse Report, Third Edition’, they conclude:

“If the most influential block of conservative voters is correct, they will all be long gone before dawn on Sunday and the only voters left will be liberals, Gays, Mormons, Jews, and of course, Muslims.  By addressing those voters just as the reality of the End of Days is hitting them, Governor Pawlenty will capitalize on the exact moment they will be willing to embrace the fact that have been wrong all these years…  On the other hand, if the expected Rapture does not materialize, he can quickly pivot toward the center, where he has a better chance of winning mainstream support — and at the same time can woo both independents and disillusioned Democrats by telling the wing-nuts on the fringe of his party to go screw themselves…” Continue reading Pawlenty Announcement to Kick-Off The Tribulation

Friday Talking Points [168] -- Zombie Attack!

Americans turn to their government for all sorts of advice, at times. Most especially during a crisis or natural disaster of epic proportions, citizens want solid information from experts in the government as to what they should and shouldn’t do to keep their families safe. Forward-looking folks will even check out disaster-preparedness information before disaster actually strikes, in order to get their families through such an event, should worse come to worst. And now all Americans can breathe a huge sigh of relief because the Centers for Disease Control (C.D.C.) just posted instructions so we can all adequately prepare for “Zombie Armageddon.”

You just can’t make this stuff up, people.

On a C.D.C. official blog, Ali S. Khan (Trekkies, you may insert your own “Wrath of Khan” joke here, if you must) wrote a tongue-in-cheek post about how to prepare for a zombie attack. Or, as he refers to it in the helpful “A Brief History of Zombies” section, the result of your neighbors all contracting “Ataxic Neurodegenerative Satiety Deficiency Syndrome.”

A word here about timing is necessary, I think. While the blog post is quite obviously meant as a semi-joke, wouldn’t this have been more fun in, say, mid-October — a few weeks before Hallowe’en? Instead of this week, with the “End of Days” prophesied for midafternoon this Saturday? I’m just saying….

Another possible sign of the End Times (at least for locals) was reported this week, as Rahm Emanuel was sworn in as mayor of Chicago. OK, sorry, that one was just pure snark.

There was plenty of earth-shattering news over in the Republican presidential nomination race, but we’re going to save all of that for later in the column, so you’ll just have to keep reading (this is a cheap ploy to retain your attention, I fully admit).

Moving on to the serious news, it seems that powerful men are pigs. But I have to refrain from commenting on either of the sex scandals this week in any major way. The International Monetary Fund head’s encounter with a maid has nothing to do with his political power, and as far as I know the I.M.F. has never weighed in on the subject of sex in any way previously. Out here in California, former “Governator” Arnold Schwarzenegger’s fathering of a love child with his maid also had nothing to do with his political positions as governor, so I feel it’s up to the family to deal with this sad situation. Continue reading Friday Talking Points [168] — Zombie Attack!

Take Five (Who'da Thunk It edition)

ONE: Scumhog Millionaire et al.

Donald Trump wrapped up his latest and most Rococo exercise in crass, self-aggrandizing buffoonery on Monday with the altogether unsurprising announcement that he has decided not to vie for the GOP Presidential nomination after all.

Trump used the opportunity both to pat himself vigorously on the back and to indulge in some rank untruths, all of which was also altogether unsurprising:

“This decision does not come easily or without regret, especially when my potential candidacy continues to be validated by ranking at the top of the Republican contenders in polls across the country.”

What Trump should have said is “ranking down there with ditch water,” since his Icarus-like fall from political favor has been swift, despite most Republican voters being unable to distinguish Shineola from, let’s say, um, Santorum:

Trump’s support for the Republican nomination fell from 26 percent in April to just eight percent in early May in surveys done by Public Policy Polling.

The announcement came hot on the heels of Mike Huckabee’s admission a couple of days earlier that he doesn’t particularly feel like getting his ass kicked by Barack Obama next year either:

“All the factors say go, but my heart says no.”

Trump was quick to offer up this ludicrous tidbit of congratulation and commentary on the Huckabee announcement:

“Mike Huckabee is not going to be running for president. This might be considered by some people, not necessarily me, bad news because he is a terrific guy — and frankly I think he would be a terrific president. But a lot of people are very happy that he will not be running, especially other candidates. So, Mike, enjoy the show. Your ratings are terrific. You’re making a lot of money. You’re building a beautiful house in Florida. Good luck.”

Now, you might be thinking at this point that the race for the Republican nomination just got a little more rational. And you would be dead wrong:

Rep. Michele Bachmann said Tuesday she’s close to deciding whether to jump into the 2012 presidential race, and she suggested that Mike Huckabee’s and Donald Trump’s exits from the field make it more likely she’ll get in.

Huckabee’s and Trump’s decisions have “changed the grass roots and what they’re looking for,” the Minnesota congresswoman said on Fox News Channel on Tuesday. “Our phones have been ringing off the hook, our Facebook has been lit up, our donations are pouring in. People are saying ‘Michele jump in, we want you to run.’’

Bachmann has decided to utilize a two-tier approach to campaign fundraising:

… asking supporters to choose to donate small amounts if they want her to stay in the House, or larger amounts if they want her to pursue the presidency.

No word yet on how big a donation is required if one simply wants her to shut up and disappear, but I have my checkbook handy. Continue reading Take Five (Who’da Thunk It edition)

Rep. Bobby Schilling forum sounded like tea party rally

I only caught the tail end of a public forum hosted by freshman Republican Congressman Bobby Schilling. A screening of The Billionaires’ Tea Party was the same night, so after the movie, I rushed over for the last 10 minutes of Schilling’s forum.

It felt like the movie never stopped. Hearing Schilling was no different than clips of speakers at tea party rallies. Except that Schilling had a calm crowd of about 20 people, half of which were suit-and-tie clad staffers for various Republican politicians.

One audience member asked Schilling why he supports high speed-rail. Schilling responded that he doesn’t favor it because there’s not enough money. He argued that Amtrak isn’t profitable and we should instead spend money on bridge and highway projects.

That got a lively response from another audience member who asked if he opposed funding for the new Amtrak line in his district from Chicago to Rock Island/Moline. Schilling became a little defensive and tried to engage the audience member in debate. “So, you’re an Amtrak supporter? Why do you think we need it?”

The guy in the audience said it’s a good economic development opportunity for the Quad Cities and asked if Schilling really favored walking away from the investment that has already been made on the rail line. Just when things started to get interesting a staffer said they were out of time (7 minutes early) and cut off discussion. In any case, it’s clear that Schilling opposes spending on passenger rail, despite the jobs and economic development benefits it would bring to the two largest communities in his district.

Since I didn’t get the chance to ask a question I decided to introduce myself afterward. I let him know that I had recently moved into his district from John Shimkus’ territory, and that I hope he won’t join Shimkus on the lunatic fringe of anti-environmentalists. Continue reading Rep. Bobby Schilling Forum Sounded like Tea Party Rally

Santorum Campaign Braces for 'Enhanced Backlash'

Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum’s bid to become the first anally conceived Presidential candidate on a major party ticket hit its 47th major roadblock yesterday in the wake of comments made challenging current Senator and former POW John McCain’s understanding of ‘enhanced interrogation techniques’.

Even the most staunch of Santorum supporters, such as ‘Reverend’ Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church, acted quickly to distance themselves from this latest gaffe.

“In light of some recent, disturbing remarks made by Senator Santorum, the Westboro Baptist Church has decided to postpone indefinitely his planned appearance as a guest pastor,” Phelps announced to reporters reading from a prepared statement.  “While we still share much common ground, recent events have called into question Mr. Santorum’s sense of propriety and decorum.  For example, we are confident that just as God and we do – and in spite of the fact that he’s using a Langston Hughes quote as his campaign slogan – Mr. Santorum really does hate fags.  But when we consider candidates for such an exalted office as President of the United States, we cannot ignore patterns of behavior they exhibit publicly.  Therefore, we have decided to withhold any decision regarding support until such time as the Senator demonstrates the same sort of respect we have always had for public decency.” Continue reading Santorum Campaign Braces for ‘Enhanced Backlash’

TSW #10

As you’ve probably heard by now, the Minnesota House voted yesterday to approve a bill that would weaken the state’s renewable energy law.

The bill, SF 86, which as amended would allow for some coal power to be . . . → Read More: TSW #10