Just Sayin’ Is All (Remember When Jesus Said edition)

Remember when Jesus said, “If you would follow me, start by building a megachurch, get your own TV show, and convince millions of people who can’t afford it to contribute their meager savings to fund your multimillion-dollar lifestyle.” I don’t.

Remember when Jesus said, “If you have Gay Pride celebrations in your city, I will destroy it with a hurricane, breach the levies, flood everything, and kill even the most innocent among you.” I don’t.

Remember when Jesus said, “Homosexuals are all sinners, whose love for each other will destroy the holiness of marriage, lead to immorality among the masses, and topple nations.” I don’t.

Remember when Jesus said, “Upon this rock I will build my church, and that church will allow pedophiles to prey upon children without interference.” I don’t.

Remember when Jesus said, “Go out among the people and spread hatred, bigotry and intolerance – and be sure to do it in my name.” I don’t.

Remember when Jesus said, “As you do to the least among you – well, they ARE the least among you, so why should you care about them anyway?” I don’t.

Remember when Jesus said, “Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, but make sure your tax-free churches are permitted to preach about politics.” I don’t.

Remember when Jesus said, “Blessed are the poor – but don’t offer them any assistance, because they’re all welfare queens anyway.” I don’t.

Remember when Jesus said, “Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, and pray instead in private because – psych! Just kiddin’. Make a big, splashy, over-the-top show of it every chance you get!” I don’t.

Remember when Jesus said, “The meek shall inherit the earth – or what’s left of it after the arrogant and greedy have taken their share first.” I don’t.

Remember when Jesus said, “Thou shalt care for the sick and dying – but only if they can afford health insurance.” I don’t.

Remember when Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers – unless there’s a buck to be made off a good war, in which case all peacemakers be damned.” I don’t.

Remember when Jesus said, “What God hath joined together, let no man put asunder – unless there’s a Republican politician who’s on his second, third or fourth wife, in which case I didn’t really mean the aforementioned.” I don’t.

Remember when Jesus said, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you – as long as there’s something in it for both of you.” I don’t.

Remember when Jesus said, “Blessed are the hypocrites, who say one thing and do another.” I don’t.

Remember when Jesus said, “Treat all women as chattel, and give them no voice in determining their own well-being.” I don’t.

Remember when Jesus said, “Give no woman dominion over her own body or her own fate, lest ye be damned for eternity.” I don’t.

Remember when Jesus said, “Thou art thy brother’s keeper – but only when convenient.” I don’t.

Remember when Jesus said, “Let the worst sinners among you cast as many stones as they see fit.” I don’t.

Remember when Jesus said, “If you truly love me, use my name and image as a marketing ploy when running for office.” I don’t.

Remember when Jesus said, “Tell those who eye your political ambitions with skepticism that my Heavenly Father personally chose you for the job.” I don’t.

Remember when Jesus said, “Do not take my words literally, or as a whole – feel free to pick-and-choose from among them in order to support whatever it is you’re for or against.” I don’t.

Remember when Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as yourself – unless your neighbor has an accent, a funny-sounding last name, is gay, has darker skin than yours, comes from a country other than your own, or practices a different religion than you do.” I don’t.

Do you remember Jesus saying any of this – or even anything like it? Yeah, me neither.

And yet to hear the self-proclaimed “Christians” tell it, he said it all – or at least, that’s what he [I]meant[/I] to say.

Jesus Christ: the most misinterpreted, mischaracterized, misquoted and misrepresented man who ever lived – especially by those who claim to be following his example, living by his words, and worshiping him above all else.

It would seem that JC could use a better PR man.  The present-day alleged Christians just ain’t doing it for him.  Maybe they’re all just too busy doin’ it for themselves – to suit their own needs, to coincide with their own convenience, to excuse their own bigotry, to justify their own prejudices.

“Beware of the false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves.”

Amen.