Jesus to Address Joint Session of Congress

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Jesus Christ, the renowned Jewish philosopher and religious scholar viewed by many as their Lord and Savior, will address a nationally televised joint session of the United States Congress this coming Tuesday, April 3, at 8 PM Eastern time.

According to officials, neither the purpose nor subject of Jesus’s historic address will be known in advance. When asked if this most unprecedented appearance is in any way related to a possible pending apocalypse, a representative of the enigmatic church leader cryptically responded, “Does He look Mayan to you?”

The announcement was made following a reportedly heated closed-door session of the Republican Congressional Caucus which was necessitated by a division within its ranks over whether or not to adopt the concurrent resolution necessary to convene a joint session.

Action on Capitol Hill was fast and furious Friday afternoon after the surprise request to address Congress was submitted by representatives of Mr. Christ. Initially, House Speaker John Boehner’s office indicated that the Speaker sought to move the address to Monday evening — a request which was flatly rejected by the Son of God who expressed concern over the possible alienation of millions of His followers if the address were to preempt ‘Dancing with the Stars’ and ‘The Voice’.

Less than one hour later, it appeared as though the first appearance by a Holy person in the House chamber in recent memory was in jeopardy when Speaker Boehner was informed by members of the GOP’s Tea Party Caucus that they would not support the measure because they feared that an appearance by Jesus on the Capitol floor while Barack Obama is still in office would be perceived as a victory for the President.

The Speaker, for his part, remained steadfast in his determination that the address should take place, reminding his membership of the potential political risks involved in having Republicans perceived as “the party that said no to Jesus.” And after what insiders describe as “an unprecedented display of leadership heretofore unseen during this term,” The Bronze Clod delivered the necessary votes.

According to Newton Toomey, a senior Boehner staff member who spoke on condition of anonymity, the Speaker only made minor concessions to his Tea Party membership in order to ensure a united front once the vote was held. Among those concessions was the Speaker agreeing not to comment during the fall campaign on any covertly or overtly racist comments that might be made by Tea Party members in the course of their reelection campaigns as well as Mr. Boehner’s personal assurance that he will suspend his regular tanning sessions until after the November election in order to help draw what Tea Party leaders describe as “a sharper contrast between us and the President.”

Toomey also added that “… it became less necessary for the Speaker to make more major concessions after one alert Congressman pointed out to his colleagues that for many of them, this would most likely be the only chance they will ever have to meet Jesus.”

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