Ricky, PLEASE Lose This Number!

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TO: Rick Santorum, Presidential Wannabe

Dear Ricky:

I just received an email from you and, given that it starts off with “Nance”, I’m assuming we’re now on a first-name basis.

I am still a bit perplexed as to (a) how you got my personal email address, and (b) why you would be sending your campaign literature to me, an until-death-us-do-part Democrat.

However, being as you took the time to contact me, I thought it appropriate to respond.

“Our campaign continues to pick up steam and generate press. In just the past four days, we won the Louisiana primary, received national attention for calling out the New York Times, and received kind words of support from Governor Sarah Palin.”

Well, here’s the thing, Ricky, right off the top:  generating press can be a real positive for a candidate hoping to win his party’s nomination for the presidency.  However, since most of the press coverage I’ve seen is due to your inane remarks, your abject stupidity, your total non-grasp of the issues, and your blatant hypocrisy, I wouldn’t exactly put that coverage in the plus column.

That being said, I especially appreciated the publicity you, the holier-than-thou Christian boy, garnered by yelling “bullshit!” in response to a reporter’s query.  No doubt that went over really well with the Fundies you have been pandering to.

As for the support from Sarah Palin, here’s a word to the wise:  She’s a whackjob.  I wouldn’t go bragging about her support.  That kind of endorsement is something you want to keep under your sweater-vest – if you get my meaning.

“Mitt Romney and his liberal media machine would like nothing better than for us to go away.” 

Mitt Romney has a “liberal media machine”?  I’m not quite sure what that statement means – along with most of what you say about anything, to be perfectly frank.  Mitt Romney is in no way a liberal, and there is no such thing as the “liberal media” – so I’m a bit confused as to where you thought you were headed with that comment.  And I have a feeling you’re equally confused – well, you always look so confused, I just assume that you really are.

“But conservatives know we can win — and across the country they are calling, emailing, and telling us they want us to redouble our efforts.  You can help us do that — and reaffirm your support for the campaign – by making an online donation of $5, $25, $50, $100 or more right now.”

At this point, I have to ask:  If conservatives from all over the country know you can win, and are calling, emailing, and telling you they want you to redouble your efforts, why aren’t they putting their money where their mouths allegedly are?  It would seem that if you’re really the people’s choice, they’d be more than happy to cough up a few bucks.

“Today only, we are going to send all online donors a special token of our appreciation.  Donate $5 or more before midnight Eastern time, and we will send you a campaign bumpersticker via mail.”

Well, that’s a major disappointment.  Here I was ready to send you a million or two – kind of along the lines of a pity fuck – but the check won’t clear until tomorrow, so I guess I’m shit out of luck.  And I really wanted that bumpersticker, too.  My neighbors already think I’m nuts – I would have enjoyed confirming it for them.

“It’s time conservatives take a stand. We don’t need to accept what the mainstream media and establishment tell us to think.”

It’s not the mainstream media who are telling Republicans what to think, Ricky – it’s FOX News.  Maybe you should ask your party’s own propaganda network to give you a break, and extol your many virtues – oh, except they’re too busy telling everyone that Romney’s nomination is a done deal.   We all know what sheep Republican voters are; too bad the shepherds aren’t the least bit interested in what you have to say.

“I am convinced that whoever can activate grassroots conservatives will not only secure the nomination – but will have the honor of defeating Barack Obama in the fall.”

I don’t know what you’re smokin’, dude, but it’s obviously some primo shit.  At this point in the game, your party can’t even count on your conservative base.  Now that the GOP has pissed off women, union members, the unemployed, the college-educated, the disabled, veterans, and everyone who is benefiting from Obamacare, even your once loyal voters are dwindling down to a precious few.

But, as they say in all cheesy infomercials, Ricky:  But wait – there’s more!

A few hours after finding the abovementioned dreck in my Inbox, I received yet another email from you, asking me to volunteer for your campaign:

“NEW Call from Home game allows you to win prizes while helping Rick by making calls from your home.

Twelve teams are competing in a challenge to see who can make the most calls and recruit the most volunteers. Teams will have a new opponent every day and prizes will be awarded.

Please join me in the fight to be crowned Rick’s “Call Madness Champion”.  The Championship Team will be announced on Tuesday evening and will receive a limited edition Rick’s Call Madness T-shirt.”

Now, as much as I would dearly love to own a “limited edition T-shirt”  (especially after losing out on the bumpersticker deal), I quickly realized that I would be expected to NOT tell those I called what I really think of you.  It really took the bloom off that rose – being crowned and all notwithstanding.

But wait, Ricky – there’s STILL MORE!

This morning I received yet another email:

“I am a man of faith who believes in the love of family and in freedom. I believe God has great things in store for America, if and only if, we choose to listen.”

I’ve no doubt that you believe in the love of your own family.  As for everyone else’s family – well, not so much.  And from what I’ve heard, Jesus doesn’t think too highly of those who claim to be his followers, and then proceed to do everything in their power to promote the idea that no one should actually be their brother’s keeper, not to mention caring for the sick, the homeless, the poor, doing unto others, et cetera.

“If you also believe America’s best days are ahead of us, please donate to my campaign today.”

Actually, I do believe America’s best days are ahead of us – which is why I support the re-election of President Obama.

But don’t be disheartened.  If I wanted a dumbass, hypocritical, totally clueless nerd running the country, you would absolutely be my first choice for the position.

Yours Truly,

Nance Greggs