Jesus Arrested after Capitol Melee

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What started out as an historic address by the most prominent religious leader ever to stand before a joint session of Congress descended into chaos yesterday as a visibly irate Jesus Christ, apparently responding to incessant hissing, booing, and heckling from the Republican side of the aisle, leapt from the podium and stormed the House chamber — screaming at the membership and throwing furniture indiscriminately.

Order was finally restored only after what appeared to be a legion of Capitol police finally subdued the religious scholar and philosopher viewed by many as their Lord and Savior.

One witness with perhaps the best vantage point was House Speaker John Boehner, with whom Mr. Christ, upon taking the podium, reportedly quipped, “By any chance are your people from Nubia?” According to The Bronze Clod, “I had a feeling it would be a long evening for our guest when, before he uttered a word, (Mississippi Republican) Gregg Harper objected to the Chair recognizing him, insisting that he first lower the hood of his robe in compliance with House rules regarding hats. I’m pretty sure there were also others whose suspicions were aroused when He appeared wearing a hoodie. Frankly, you’d think He would have known better.”

The evening only became more contentious after that.

In His prepared remarks, Jesus (as He told His audience He likes to be called) implored the members of Congress to allow the Bush era tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans to expire as scheduled at the end of the year, close tax loopholes for the wealthiest individuals and most successful corporations, and increase funding for social safety net programs such as food stamps, Medicaid, housing, welfare and unemployment insurance.

This proposal was greeted with boos and jeers from the Republican contingent, with audible comments emanating from their ranks which included, “That’s Socialism”, “Hippie”, and “Get a job — after you take a bath and get a haircut!”

Jesus responded to these outbursts by saying, “A little over 2000 years ago, I suggested to a rich young man that if he wanted to be perfect, he should go and sell what he had, and give to the poor, and he would have treasure in heaven; and he should come and follow me. Over the years, I have realized that nobody — especially nobody in this chamber — is perfect. But for Christ’s sake — and in this case, that would be Me — we’re only talking about a lousy 4%.”

Just moments earlier, His comment that, “… it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter into the Kingdom of God” was greeted with the now familiar yell of “You lie!” from South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson.

Not more than 10 minutes later, Jesus also expressed his support for the DREAM Act by pointing out that “the children it would help become citizens did, after all, grow up in the United States as your neighbors — and the Bible tells us to love our neighbor.”

According to eyewitnesses, it was when this was greeted with comments from the right such as, “Show us your papers!”, and “Are you legal?” that the normally quiet and reserved Prophet apparently ‘snapped’.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell later told reporters, “He stormed the floor and began throwing chairs and overturning tables while screaming something to the effect of, ‘you have turned the house of the people into a den of thieves!’ — It seems obvious to me that this whole charade was nothing but a cheap stunt cooked up by the Obama re-election campaign.”

Newton Toomey, a Capitol police official who spoke on condition of anonymity due to the ongoing investigation, later revealed that due to “identification issues” Jesus’s arraignment has been delayed until Friday morning. Toomey also added that Jesus was calm and in good health and spirits later in the evening, and reportedly even commented to His arresting officers, “Of course I forgive all of them — but I can’t say I’m not happy that I’ll never see any of them again.”

© 2012 The Desperate Blogger. This article is reproduced by permission of the author. All rights reserved.