Once a Douche, Always a Douche

For anyone with a modicum of common sense and an IQ above that of the average house plant, it is difficult to discuss anything that gets said on FOX News without literally laughing your ass off.

With an audience comprised of the incredibly gullible, the proudly ill-informed, and card-carrying members of the Yes-I’m-A-Complete-Dumbass Club™, one can only assume that FOX News watchers have come to expect the kind of baseless, devoid-of-fact rhetoric that its hosts spew on a daily basis.

And, as always, FAUX never fails to disappoint – and Monday morning’s Fox & Friends is just another case in point.

According to F&F’s Steve Douchey (sorry – did I get that name right?), the current outcry that Republicans are waging a War on Women has been fabricated by the Democrats, in an attempt to distract the citizenry from the failure of Obama’s stimulus package.

“The stimulus didn’t work out so well, he’s got a lot of problems. So in the last couple of months, what they have done, the Democrats, is they have invented this phony war on women. They say Republicans are against women, there’s not really a war on women, there’s a war for women because they would like to have as many women vote for their candidate.”

Aside from the fact* (* an inconvenience that is never allowed to see the light of day on FAUX) that the stimulus has created/saved millions of American jobs and avoided another depression, and the fact that Obama isn’t having the kind of “problems” that Douchey’s rhetoric would imply – especially when one looks at the Obama v Romney numbers – we are left with the bald statement that the War on Women is merely a figment of the imaginations of millions of females who are suffering a momentary attack of the vapors, led by the Democratic powers-that-be to the nearest fainting couch where they can bemoan the non-existent assault on their persons, their bodies, and their rights.

Well, Douchey, as an American citizen of the female persuasion, I can tell you that the GOP’s current view of women, and their recent attempts at legalizing not only violations of my body, but my decency as a human being and my equality as a citizen, is real. And the party that sowed that war is about to have what it will inevitably reap shoved firmly up its ass at the polls in November. And you might want to brace yourself, because it’s going to hurt – big time.

There is nothing imaginary nor fabricated about forcing me to submit to invasive vaginal probing as a prerequisite to my obtaining an abortion (which is my legal right), nor forcing me to carry a dead fetus to term despite the emotional and health issues involved, nor forcing me to view ultrasound images of an in-utero fetus I have determined I do not wish to give birth to – the reasons for same being none of anyone’s goddamned business.

In truth, Douchey, what isn’t working out is the GOP’s  ill-fated, ill-advised notion that a bunch of Viagra-addicted manly-men sporting drug-induced hard-ons would rally behind the concept of putting little ladies in their place (which seems to be somewhere between a pre-Victorian kitchen and a 1950s episode of Father Knows Best). Bad call. Very bad call. And now they have to live with it.

My only disappointment in FAUX’s depiction of the GOP’s War on Women, given their penchant for substituting film footage (ah, yes, we all remember the Tea Party rally of tens of thousands of people that turned out to be footage from Obama’s inauguration!), is the fact that they have yet to hire Baghdad Bob to declare there is no Republican assault on women’s rights any more than there were US troops in Iraq.

This war is real, and it is being waged with impunity. The battle lines have been drawn, and the women of this country, armed with the vote, are dangerous. We will take no prisoners. We will instead annihilate all politicians who seek to diminish our equality, trample our hard-won rights, and delegate us to second-class citizen status.

The women of this nation did not choose this fight – the Republicans did. But we are ready to do battle; we will stand our ground, and we will not be moved.

It’s going to get ugly out there – real ugly. And the Doucheys of this world are going squeal like stuck pigs when it all comes down.

“There’s not really a war on women, there’s a war for women because they would like to have as many women vote for their candidate.”

As grammatically ridiculous as that phrase may be (we ARE quoting Douchey here, so a wide margin of an error in the use of the English language needs to be applied), the fact is that both the Republican and Democratic candidates for POTUS want as many votes as they can get – women’s votes included.

I wonder if Douchey, along with his Foxy Friends, is willing to venture an educated guess as to which party is way ahead in that category.

Nah, didn’t think so.