If the STFU Fits - Fer Chrissakes You've Got to be Kiddin' Me Edition

This week’s STFU Award is shared between two deserving recipients: fourteen-year-old Caiden Cowger, talk show radio host, in recognition of his unparalleled display of stupidity on the topic of homosexuality, and Dana Loesch, the CNN contributor who defended his diatribe by stating that he was “another conservative teen under attack for being… a conservative teen.”

Okay, ladies first.

Ms. Loesch, who also hosts a radio program of her own (“The Dana Show”), has missed the mark by so many miles, one can only wonder who dresses her every morning, and how she manages to eat her meals without written instructions. The idea that poor Caiden is being targeted for being a “conservative teen” is pretty much like saying that Ted Bundy was targeted for being handsome – hate speech and serial killings being somehow peripheral to the cases at hand.

Ms. Loesch goes on to add, “Remember when adults praised civic participation?” Yes, I think most of us do, and most adults still praise civic participation. But Cowger’s rant against homosexuality did not, does not, and never will constitute civic participation. It is what it is: a regurgitation of spoon-fed idiocy, devoid of any factual basis, delivered with the kind of  zeal that smacks of the flim-flam contrivance religious zealots/snake-oil salesmen used to appeal to the dumber-than-dumb among us back in the days of the big tent revivals.

Being a CNN contributor, I can fully understand why Ms. Loesch doesn’t know the difference – in the same way CNN apparently no longer knows the difference between news and outright stupidity served up, complete with special effects and dazzling hairdos, as legitimate journalism.

And now on to Mr. Cowger.

Under most circumstances, I would be reluctant to go after a teenager – a child in most respects. But when said child takes to the airwaves and spews nonsense, he deserves to be taken to the proverbial woodshed.

Cowger insists that homosexuality is a “belief” – and then goes on to express his beliefs as a Christian. I suppose irony doesn’t register with fourteen-year-olds these days. And, for some, neither does common sense.

Cowger goes on to talk about his one-time friends:  “I knew them when they were in the beginning of middle school, and you know what? They were not homosexuals. They just decided all of a sudden, I think I’m going to be gay. Why they are becoming homosexuals, why they are becoming gay, is because they are being encouraged by it.”

The assault on grammar aside, Cowger honestly believes that people “decide, all of a sudden, to be gay”. Yes, that makes so much sense. What teenager doesn’t get up of a morning and think that being gay will be a great adventure – the bullying, the teasing, the being an outcast of society, the being persecuted, the beatings, having to fight for the very rights that heterosexuals enjoy. What teen wouldn’t think how cool it would be to suddenly “become gay”?

Well, if you’ve ever wondered why kids nowadays are choosing to be gay, Cowden has the answer: “President Obama, Vice President Biden, is making kids gay. They are encouraging kids to think, well, you know what, they’re talking about being a homosexual, and they’re saying there’s nothing wrong with being gay, so you know what, I think I might try that out for a little bit. That’s what’s going on.”

Yeppers, that’s what’s going on, folks. The President and his Vice President are making kids gay. Now, a reasonable person would wonder what motivation there would be in doing so, what political advantage there would be in turning kids gay – as if such a thing were remotely possible. But I did say “a reasonable person” – which, by definition, excludes people like Cowden and his defender, Loesch, from the discussion.

Cowden, as predictable as the sun rising each morning, goes on to cite his Christian beliefs, that homosexuality is a “perverted belief that is immoral, and it’s unnatural. It is a belief that is condemned by God and you will go to hell if you continue to follow this belief, unless you repent.”

The question, as always, is a simple one: Where in the New Testament, revered by Christians as the literal words and teachings of Christ, is homosexuality condemned – or even referred to by The Nazarene? I’ve read the text of the Sermon on the Mount; what I don’t remember is, “Blessed are the gay-bashers,” or, “Blessed are those who choose not to be homosexual.”

Of course, the Bible-thumpers will always draw on the Old Testament when convenient. But again, why did the Ten Commandments not include “Thou Shalt Not Be Gay”? If the Creator of heaven and earth wanted to add an eleventh commandment, who was stopping him? Or was the Creator simply forgetful when it came to etching his Shalts and Shalt Nots on tablets of stone?

And what of Jesus – again failing to mention homosexuality, even once, in his thirty-three years on earth? Like Father, like Son? Did forgetfulness take hold here? Did Jesus at some point turn to his disciples and say, “Man o man, you won’t believe what I left out! I should have checked my notes before getting caught up in that fishes-and-loaves thing.”

Cowden goes on to declare that homosexuals “are not born that way – it is a decision.”

Well, alrighty then. If homosexuality is a decision to be made, I would suggest that Ms. Loesch invite a group of heterosexuals to participate in one of her radio broadcasts on that very topic. I’m sure her listening audience would be interested to hear their heart-warming stories about when they made the choice to be heterosexual. No doubt their tales would be fascinating.

I, for one, would be particularly interested in knowing when Caiden Cowger decided to be straight – a decision which, I suspect, was wrought with anguish and resulted in a determination to not be perceived as what his body, soul and mind have repeatedly told him is his true persona. “Straight” kids don’t question their sexuality, because it has been deemed acceptable. Gay kids do, because they’ve been told it’s wrong.

Of course, the real story here is not Cowden or Loesch. It is the fact that there are people stupid enough to listen to a fourteen-year-old kid and praise his enlightened perception of sexuality – a kid who, if he adheres to the Christian beliefs he has been brought up to believe, has, as an unmarried virgin, no sexual experience (straight or otherwise) to draw from. It is a classic case of the blind leading the blind – or, more to the point, the stupid leading the stupid, while congratulating each other on the depth of their own ignorance.

And so this is for you, Ms. Loesch and Mr. Cowden. Congratulations to you both on being the recipients of my STFU Award – one of you for being a stupid enough teenager (allegedly without sexual experience) to lecture others about sexuality, and the other for defending hate speech as being “civic participation.”

If only the Ten Commandments had included “Thou Shalt Not be a Stupid, Uninformed Idiot” – that’s one commandment I could have gotten behind without hesitation. Too bad the Creator of All Things, in His Infinite Wisdom and His penchant for forgetfulness, left the obvious off the list.