You’re right. Obama is a Kenyan-born Muslim communist capitalist socialist, whose birth announcement was placed in a Hawaiian newspaper five decades ago by someone who foresaw his future bid for the presidency, and wanted to pave the way for his takeover of the nation.
You’re right. There is a “gay agenda.” It is carried out by people who have chosen to overcome their natural desire for heterosexual sex, and instead pretend to be attracted to same-sex partners because it’s in, it’s cool, it’s happenin’. As a result of adhering to their agenda, they have fewer rights, can become the victims of assault, can lose their jobs, and be treated like outcasts in their own families. The only possible reason for their doing so is to piss people like you off.
You’re right. Marriage is a sacred institution. That’s why so many prominent Republican politicians marry multiple times, in order to be even more “sacred” in the eyes of the Lord.
You’re right. Traditional marriages disintegrate in places where gays can legally marry. In fact, before the recognition of gay marriage, traditionally-married heterosexual couples never divorced for any reason.
You’re right. Sex education invariably leads to premarital sex, which was unheard of before Sex Ed became part of the curriculum. In addition, no one ever engaged in oral sex before Bill Clinton invented it.
You’re right. No one should have access to birth control, as it goes against God’s law, unlike gun control, which Jesus spoke out against at every opportunity.
You’re right. Christians are being blatantly persecuted every time someone says “Happy Holidays” or advertises a sale on Xmas trees. The more egregious examples – like churches being torn down, and burnings-at-the-stake – are just not widely reported, thanks to the Lib’rul Media.
You’re right. History should be rewritten every few years, just so it doesn’t get boring for high school students who have to study it. Facts have their place – but a school textbook shouldn’t be one of them.
You’re right. Illegals are taking good-paying, sought-after jobs away from Americans. This is borne out by the number of six-figure salaried positions that are regularly handed over to people who can’t even speak English.
You’re right. Higher education is not important. Who needs a degree in structural engineering anyway? Do doctors really need to go to medical school? Surely we can trust our expansion bridges and brain surgery to the non-elitists who eschew Lib’rul breeding grounds like colleges and universities.
You’re right. All Muslims are terrorists – just like all Italians are Mafiosi, all Jews are cheap, all Poles are dumb, all Irish are drunks, and all blacks are lazy and shiftless.
You’re right. Science is unproven theory – the Bible is proven fact. In the early days of our 6,000-year-old planet, people co-existed with dinosaurs. Anyone who has seen Jurassic Park knows how this worked.
You’re right. The Bible is the literal word of God. Just ask Adam and Eve, who populated the earth by having children who were precluded by God’s own law from engaging in intercourse with each other – thereby ending the continuance of the human race. (Who wrote the books of the Bible following Genesis is anybody’s guess.)
You’re right. The USA was founded as a Christian nation. The Founding Fathers only said the opposite, over and over, because they hoped to be remembered throughout history for their wacky sense of humor.
You’re right. George W. Bush didn’t put the country into debt. The GOP only went along with this false accusation at the time because, in the spirit of bipartisanship, they didn’t want to embarrass those lying-through-their-teeth Democrats.
You’re right. Universal healthcare doesn’t work. The fact that every industrialized nation in the world has such a system, which has proven to be overwhelmingly successful in keeping costs down while offering widely-accessible medical treatment, proves nothing.
You’re right. People who earn millions every year should not have to pay their fair share of taxes. That would mean more revenue coming into the nation’s coffers, which would lower the deficit – which only matters when there is a Democrat in the White House.
You’re right. Only lazy people collect welfare or use food stamps. In fact, there isn’t a single welfare recipient in the country who doesn’t own a big-screen TV, a designer wardrobe, and a villa in the south of France.
You’re right. Racism doesn’t exist among Republicans. Bumper stickers that say “Don’t re-NIG in 2012”, Photoshopped pics of Obama with a bone through his nose, and e-mails describing the President of the United States as a monkey are just classic examples of good, clean, non-racist fun.
In fact, you’ve been right about so many things:
Dubya demonstrated unprecedented leadership as he continued to read The Pet Goat while the country was under attack, Rudy Giuliani personally saved thousands of people from the collapsing World Trade Center towers on 9/11, Sarah Palin was a great choice for VP because she could see Russia from her house, Newt Gingrich is a staunch supporter of the sanctity of marriage(s), Fred Thompson was an unstoppable ball-of-fire on the campaign trail, Rush Limbaugh was a shining example of conservative principles when he made fun of the symptoms of Parkinson’s disease, Glenn Beck is a political genius (with or without a blackboard to prove it), Rick Santorum exemplified Good Family Values when he brought a dead baby home for his kids to cuddle, Ann Coulter personifies journalistic integrity, and Mitt Romney captures the very essence of the average, dressage-horse-owning, car-elevator-building, middle-class working citizen who regularly straps his dog to the roof of a car, and never waffles on a single position.
Oh, and you’re right about FOX News, too. Fair and balanced to a fault.
I don’t understand how my fellow Lib’ruls can be so wrong about all of you. Perhaps we let common sense get in the way of well-honed bullshit too often. Or maybe we’re just too damned intelligent for our own good.