BREAKING: Romney Selects Florida’s West as Running Mate

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Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Willard ‘Mitt’ Romney stunned the political establishment and left pundits scrambling for their notes this morning when he announced his choice of freshman Florida Congressman Allen West to round out the GOP ticket. If Romney is elected, West would become the first African American and only the third paranoid schizophrenic to hold the office of Vice President of the United States.

Making his first public appearance with a black man, Romney praised West’s “… keen understanding of the vital issues we face born from a distinguished career in service to our country,” before noting, “And look at him — his hair is just the right length.”

Speaking to reporters gathered at his family vacation compound in the tony New Hampshire enclave of Lake Weepissondappor, the former Massachusetts Governor and Prep School ‘prankster’ quickly dismissed the notion that race played a factor in his decision:

“Allen understands, as I do, the empirical threat to the United States posed by the Soviet Union and will work with me in continuing the good work he has already begun to root out Communists in Congress as well as other areas of government. He also understands – as he discussed with voters just yesterday – that the economic policies pursued by President Obama will ultimately lead to government enslavement of the American worker – something we firmly believe is better left to the private sector.”

West, a Tea Party favorite sure to solidify support for Romney among African American fascists, was not on most experts’ ‘Veepstakes’ radar despite being touted for the post by the likes of Herman Cain, South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley, and former Miss Alaska runner-up Sarah Palin. Last April, Palin told her Fox News colleague Sean Hannity, “I love that he has military experience – 20 years and all of it in integrated units… He understands the Constitution. He understands our national foreign policy issues that must be addressed. And for my money, he’s still the best to ever play Batman.”

According to Sterling Lazar, a senior Romney staffer who spoke on condition of anonymity, the GOP standard-bearer only learned who Rep. West was because of a chance meeting about three months ago. As Lazar explained it:

“It was a black-tie fundraiser at the Waldorf-Astoria. Gov. Romney saw a black gentleman in a tux, and naturally assuming he was a waiter, asked him to fetch some water. Congressman West politely explained that he was there as a guest speaker, but joked that as far as the election was concerned, he’d be happy to carry the Governor’s water all the way to the White House. The two bonded instantly. By the end of the evening, Congressman West was calling the Governor ‘Sgt. Cutter’ and the Governor was calling him ‘Gunga Bro’. As the Governor once told me, it’s hard to understand the closeness and comfort level the two men share unless you’ve seen ‘The Help’.”

Conservative pundits were quick to praise Romney’s decision. Syndicated radio host and renowned amateur pharmacist Rush Limbaugh echoed the sentiments of many when he asked, “What better way to highlight the difference between the candidates than to put a native-born, non-Muslim black man on the ticket?”

Calls to Obama campaign headquarters in Chicago were answered only with uncontrollable giggling and the sound of champagne corks popping in the background.

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