Make Room at the Kiddie Table this Thanksgiving

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Look, I like kids as much as the next gal. I raised two – and survived. They can be cute, disarming, and have a penchant for saying the darndest things. But when they get to be adults and are still acting like children, it’s time to seat them at the Kiddie Table where they can spout their immature ramblings without interference, leaving the adults free to engage in more serious discussion over turkey with all the fixin’s.

The honor of being seated at the head of America’s Kiddie Table this Thanksgiving undoubtedly goes to Mitt Romney. After insulting those who cooked the turkey (or his goose during the election, as the case may be), he will regale the attendant youngsters with tales about how he could have been president, were it not for all of those unfair grown-ups who insisted on facts rather than his fictions, and voted accordingly.

He will also remind the other kiddies that if they find healthcare reform under the Christmas tree next month, it is not a matter of legislation meant to benefit all Americans, but is merely another “gift” to the undeserving 47% who voted for the guy who is willing to cram all of that “free stuff” into their stockings.

The next Kiddie Table honoree to be seated is John McCain, always welcome among his fellow foot-stomping non-adults who enjoy throwing temper tantrums at the holiday dinner table – and pretty much everywhere else. Despite a propensity to chase kids off his lawn on a regular basis, McCain will undoubtedly be revered by those same kids for having the balls to up-end the Candyland board at the end of the evening when he realizes that the game is not going his way.

Surely there can be no dispute that Allen West has more than earned his place at this year’s Kiddie Table. His whining refusal to accept reality will undoubtedly strike a chord with his fellow kids who believe that when you wish upon a star, it makes no difference who you are – and you should win an election even if you only garnered the support of Three Pigs, Seven Dwarfs, and a crazy lady in Tampa who once owned a bunch of Dalmatians – and has the coat to prove it. Perhaps West’s premature electionation was prompted by the fact that Pinocchio was at the top of the ticket and, all things being equal, he should have been able to at least win by a very, very long nose.

The next to be seated are the My guy didn’t win, so I’m seceding kids. I can’t help but remember my son packing his Matchbox cars, his Superman pajamas, and two peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches when he decided to “secede” from the family due to the enforcement of bedtime rules he didn’t agree with. He had an excuse for his childish behavior, in that he was three years old at the time. I keep wondering what excuse for such childish carryings-on the secessionists are relying upon – other than the obvious excuse of never having intellectually advanced beyond a pre-kindergarten mindset. Is there any doubt as to their rightful place at the if I hold my breath until I get what I want, I will actually GET what I want table?

Could any Kiddie Table be complete without Donald Trump? The crop circle that sits upon his head will be enough to keep the other kids amused for hours, while the adults discuss more pressing problems than those of an egomaniac who assured those affected by Superstorm Sandy that the taping of this season’s Apprentice would not be delayed by the devastation. These good tidings will be cheered by the eight-years-old-and-under set, whose intellectual equivalents comprise the show’s audience.

You can’t have Thanksgiving without a prize turkey – and no one fits the bill like Karl Rove. He’ll entertain the other kids with a rousing rendition of  “If You’re Unhappy and You Know It, Stamp Your Feet!” In addition to enjoying a traditional holiday dinner, Karl can always slip underneath the Kiddie Table to hide from certain grown-ups who want to know where their goddamned money went – he being suddenly unable to explain “the math” he once proclaimed himself to be an expert on.

Another invitee to this year’s Kiddie Table is “Papa John” Schnatter, who declined the invite due to not being able to afford the gas to get there – any more than he can afford to pay for his employees’ healthcare coverage. A shame, really – no doubt the kids would have enjoyed his oh-so-grim fairytale about being reduced to eating Caviar Helper (or, even worse, his own pizzas) due to the exorbitant price that Obamacare represents to those who have to scrape by on over a billion dollars in revenue per year.

This year’s pre-dinner prayer of grace will be offered up by another illustrious Kiddie Table attendee, Franklin Graham. I suspect there won’t be a dry eye at the table as he gives thanks to the God of Thy Will Be Done fame – said Divine Will to be ignored when it results in the “wrong” person being elected. The saying of grace will be followed by the passing around of the collection plate – sheer habit on Franklin’s part – along with a short slide-show on how Mormons, previously dismissed as a cult, suddenly became fellow Christians during the last election cycle.

As in past years, the MSM bobbleheads will not be seated at the Kiddie Table, due to lack of space.  Sadly, one can only tolerate accommodate so many immature, clueless children at one time.