Take a drink anytime you . . . → Read More: NATO summit protest drinking game!
Take a drink anytime you . . . → Read More: NATO summit protest drinking game!
Mitt Romney unveiled his highly anticipated plan to construct “a job-creating machine in America,” which will be run by America’s leading job reducer and business machine maker, Mitt Romney, and built by the people who need the government’s help the most, corporations.
The machine is being touted as having the ability to put a job in every pocket, and will replace the earlier version of the GOP 2010 election job-killing machine that has been efficiently doing exactly what it was built to do. But the new Job Machine will let whomever needs a job get one, as jobs will be systematically spit out like magic in an assembly line fashion that will remind us all of the good ol’ 1920s.
Standing under a large banner reading “Job One, Day One,” Romney said that on the first day of his presidency, he would throw away the democratic process and the American Constitution and instead get right to work by signing five executive orders –
Romney also announced his economic policy team, which consists of R. Glenn Hubbard, who was chairman of President Bush’s council of economic advisers from 2001 to 2003; Gregory Mankiw, who was chairman of President Bush’s council of economic advisers from 2003 to 2005; former Republican Senator Jim Talent of Missouri, who lost his 2006 re-election bid to current Missouri Senator Claire McCaskill; as well as former Representative Vin Weber of Minnesota, who retired in 1992 after being caught up in a House banking scandal and was a paid lobbyist for several health insurance giants. Apart from their work on the Job Machine, these enterprising engineers will also be the proud authors of Romney’s Day One executive orders. Continue reading Mitt Romney and The Incredible Magical Job Machine
In the wake of last Friday’s Standard & Poor’s downgrade of the United States’ long-term debt — which focused in large part on the effect that the nation’s political climate may have on its future creditworthiness – nine Wall Street brokerage houses today took the unprecedented step of issuing ratings on the Tea Party, with six announcing that they will also initiate coverage of actual political parties in the coming weeks.
“More and more savvy investors are seeing the connection between their elected officials and their bottom lines,” noted Citigroup’s Juniper Toomey, “so we felt it only proper to provide insight that might keep more of our clients away from rooftops, bridges, and open windows between now and the 2012 elections.”
Analysts at Citigroup, like six of the eight others, initiated its Tea Party coverage with a ‘Sell’ rating, indicating their belief that the movement’s value will decline by 15% or more within the next 12 months. Ms. Toomey, who authored the report explaining their outlook, told reporters, “The last several years have seen cataclysmic shifts in political climates, particularly those in the United States and the oil rich Middle East. The uncertainty caused by the present U.S. climate – ushered in by the ‘Tea Party Era’– results from uneasiness on the part of investors that a representative democracy can adequately function without compromise. Or to put it in layman’s terms, ‘the fastest way to find a bottom is to put a bunch of assholes in charge’.”
Tea Party Patriots spokesman Weir Dippschitz dismissed the analyst’s claims, saying, “The whole notion of ‘political climate change’ is nothing more than a left-wing hoax based on dubious science and economics used as an excuse to defend big government and gay marriage. O.k. – so the market is down more than 10% in the last two trading sessions. People forget that the market dropped 22% in one day back in October of 1987. Not coincidentally, that was also the last time we had a liberal in the White House who also raised taxes on job creators – even going so far as to make the top bracket 50%.” Continue reading Wall Street Analysts Initiate Coverage of Tea Party
London, England (DBI) – The British International Press Association (BIPA) announced today that its Executive Board has chosen obscure upstart The Desperate Blogger as this year’s recipient of the coveted ‘Bippy’ Award for excellence in creative investigative journalism.
In announcing the decision, Sir Grant Cartman, the Board’s Senior Vice-Counsel, told reporters via conference call, “Despite working with extraordinarily limited resources, The Desperate Blogger has nonetheless not only held sway over more seasoned, well financed news outlets, but has often scooped them – in some cases by staggering lengths of time. Because their budget does not allow for the use of standard tools of the trade – things most news agencies take for granted such as reporters, editors, fact-checkers, phone-hackers and such – they must rely, even more so than the major houses, on their ability to fabricate stories.”
Cartman then provided a few examples of how, as he put it, “news often imitates good fabrication”:
The news that his organization was passed over for such a prestigious award by a small newcomer did not sit well with Fox News Chairman Roger Ailes.
“I have to believe we were passed over because of the hacking situation unfolding in England, even though we are in no way linked to it. At least that’s the takeaway we’re getting from that Cartman guy’s cell phone calls,” Ailes told a smirking Chris Wallace – who then reminded him that it was against News Corporation policy to mention the scandal threatening to bring down the world’s largest media empire which also happens to employ both of them. “After all, it is we who invented fabricating stories in lieu of reporting facts. We were making s#*t up before The Desperate Blogger even knew what a story was.” Continue reading Desperate Blogger Surprise Winner of Prestigious ‘Bippy’ Award
Calling it “an effort to find middle ground” with Democrats and the President, House Speaker John Boehner today broke with the majority of his party and stated his willingness to support one measure that would increase taxes: a tax on any individual or couple describing themselves as gay or lesbian. And in a rare outreach to the President, he went so far as to concede, “For now I won’t say that transgenders are ‘off the table’, but I don’t believe the votes will be there. And don’t even bother bringing up raising taxes on bisexuals – for some reason they’re very popular with our caucus membership.”
When asked what prompted the sudden shift in policy, The Bronze Clod explained, “It has become obvious in recent days that if we want to strike while the iron is hot and come in with a big enough package, we Republicans are going to have to swallow hard and widen our stance a little bit – for the sake of our children and grandchildren.”
Later, when discussing why he believed enough House Republicans would support increasing taxes on gay people when all but a handful have signed Grover Norquist’s pledge – swearing that they will never, under any circumstances, vote for a tax increase – the Speaker noted:
Less than 24 hours after canceling former New York governor Eliot Spitzer’s prime time talk show, ‘In the Arena’, CNN today announced the latest addition to its lineup – and at the same time shocked industry analysts by signaling that they are ready to make a radical departure from the staid, no-nonsense style that has been their hallmark since founding the 24-hour cable news industry some 31 years ago.
And if they raised eyebrows when they hired Spitzer less than two years after he left office in disgrace as the result of a prostitution scandal, they just might raise the roof with this one.
Beginning this fall, CNN will launch the first-ever adult oriented, interactive late-night political talk show. Loosely modeled on their show ‘Crossfire’, which aired from 1982 to 2005, ‘Tit-for-Tat/Tweet-for-Twat’, starring John Ensign and Anthony Weiner will also feature a large graphic display showing live (subject to a 7 second delay) Facebook and Twitter feeds allowing viewers to participate in the conversation.
The show’s stars – Ensign, the Nevada Republican who recently resigned from the Senate rather than face expulsion over illegal acts committed in an effort to cover up his affair with a staffer, and Weiner, the New York Democrat who recently gave up his House seat amidst a sexless ‘sex scandal’ after it was discovered that he had been using social networking sites for nonpolitical social networking – will draw on their experience in the political, social, and networking arenas to, “bring CNN’s viewers a frank, straightforward, adult conversation with the emphasis on adult” according to Newton Toomey, a network executive who spoke on condition of anonymity. “And you may have noticed, I didn’t use the words ‘no-nonsense’ to describe our hosts.” Continue reading CNN Set to Compromise Reputation for Ratings
On the evening of June 17, an alert security guard notified Cleveland police when he realized someone had used duct tape to obscure two security cameras in the North Pointe Apartments office occupied by the conservative lobbying organization ‘Americans for Tax Reform’. Police responding to the scene arrested five men attempting to flee the scene, two of whom were carrying boxes containing documents.
But while the men were detained in a local jail, police discovered that the identifications they carried that night were fake. Fingerprint records indicated that all five live in the Los Angeles area. All have ties to the CIA and two are Venezuelan nationals connected with anti-Chavez organizations. The individual authorities believe was the ring-leader was once a high level intelligence operative rumored to have been involved in the failed 2002 coup attempt against Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. He is currently a real estate broker in Los Angeles who, according to business records, employs the other four men.
And according to Newton Toomey, an anonymous source who was present during the interrogations, the alleged ring-leader — identified as Venezuelan-born Leonard B. Larker, 55 — indicated that those responsible for planning the break-in may have connections that reach to “the very top” of the Republican party.
“The suspect indicated that he was hired to retrieve documents bearing the signatures of various individuals who are experiencing misgivings about having signed them,” Toomey told a reporter from Locksmith’s Weekly magazine. “Ironically, these weren’t the most gifted of burglars – the boxes they were absconding with contained no signed documents whatsoever. All we found in them was a bunch of blank Kenyan birth certificates.”
Tea Party activist Wilford Dumfuq expressed a view shared by many on the right when he told anyone who would listen about his belief that, “sinister forces are at work in the Republican party,” explaining, “All but 14 Republican members of Congress have signed a pledge written by ATR founder Grover Norquist in which they promise the voters that they will never, under any circumstances, vote for any tax increase. If someone is now attempting to steal signed documents from those offices, it’s logical to assume that they are about renege on that pledge.” Continue reading Bungled Burglary May Signal Shift in GOP Tax Policy
According to Newton Toomey, an anonymous source familiar with the incident, the ceremony had just ended when cemetery workers apparently mistook the former Minnesota governor for the guest of honor. After gently lowering him — coincidentally to the same approximate depth as his most recent poll numbers – they then, as is their custom, waited for any of those gathered who wished to drop one shovel-full of dirt onto the candidate before completely filling the grave. It was only then that they noticed the attractive, yet tasteful mahogany casket that was left above-ground and called Emergency Services.
“This sort of thing happens more often than you’d think – especially with people living so much longer nowadays,” Paul Sokoloff, a spokesman for Cemetery Workers Local 86 told reporters. “Even with a box there, it’s often hard to distinguish the deceased from the mourners. These aren’t exactly the sort of events people come to looking their best. When in doubt, our members pick the one who looks least likely to become a bell-ringer, if you know what I mean. They usually get it right. What makes this situation so unusual is that it’s the first instance I’ve heard of where nobody seemed to notice or even tried to correct the workers.”
When asked why the workers called for someone else to correct their error, Mr. Sokoloff explained, “For safety reasons, our contract expressly forbids our workers from digging any site that might contain any live persons. Under those circumstances, one misplaced shovel could eliminate any need for recovering the body in the first place. The workers in this incident acted quickly, appropriately, and responsibly. Any lingering debate over whether Mr. Pawlenty is actually alive or not has nothing to with the actions of any member or members of this union.” Continue reading Pawlenty Hospitalized After Accidental Burial
Just one day after suggesting that illegal immigrants were responsible for setting the wildfires that continue to ravage his home state of Arizona – as well as engulf his current state of paranoia – John McCain . . . → Read More: McCain: “O’Leary’s Cow Entered Chicago Illegally”
Shortly after it was announced that the long-time al Qaeda ‘Number 2’ had been named the international terrorist organization’s new leader, accusations of tampering, voter fraud, and illegal campaign contributions put a damper on the planned celebration festivities, scheduled to include a spectacular fireworks display set off by an ISI-supplied suicide ice-cream truck driving into a Pakistan Army ammunition depot.
Some of the more serious allegations came from Yemen, where supporters of Anwar al-Awlaki complained that hundreds, perhaps thousands, of absentee ballots were not counted, and accused Zawahiri supporters of trying to rig the election against their candidate because he was born, and until 2002 lived, in the United States. Said one Awlaki supporter, “There’s no room for anti-American prejudice in al Qaeda politics.”
According to election official Mustafa al Fiislamaj-Amah, who coincidentally once lived in Houston, Texas, the allegations regarding the absentee ballots are misguided.
“We did have a large number of absentee ballots, believed to have come from Yemen, that were declared invalid because they were not postmarked by the required date. In fact, most were not postmarked at all,” Fiislamaj-Amah told Fox News. “They should have thought of that before blowing up Sanaa’s (the Yemeni capital’s) main post office.”
He went on to add, “Personally, I think this is simply a case of ‘sour figs’ on the part of Awlaki’s supporters. I honestly don’t think counting those ballots would have changed the outcome. We need to be honest with ourselves – while people, myself included, like Anwar personally, and certainly appreciate his contributions to jihad, the simple truth of the matter is that al Qaeda is no more ready for an American leader than the American right wing is ready for a Black President.” Continue reading Fraud Allegations Taint al-Zawahiri Victory