Palin Lashes Out Against 'Grammatical Elites'

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Former half-term Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, launching a preemptive strike against her critics ahead of this afternoon’s release of approximately 24,000 e-mails from her abbreviated tenure in office, railed against what she described as “the Grammatical Elites who only look to dump on others because of how they write.”

The much-anticipated document drop, described by Juniper Toomey (an Alaska state official who spoke on condition of anonymity) as “Wikileaks Meets the Weekly Reader“, resulted from numerous Freedom of Information Act requests initially challenged by the grammatically challenged former governor.  Palin – who according to staffers was obsessive about her privacy – successfully challenged initial FOIA requests claiming that correspondence sent from her personal e-mail account, as opposed to her official state e-mail account, were not the property of the state and therefore not subject to FOIA regulations.

Not to be deterred, those requesting the information – who Ms. Palin herself conceded were “smart little devils and just clever as the dickens” – then requested e-mails sent by the then ‘Mama Grizzly Gov.’ to the official e-mail accounts of other state employees, which are, of course, accessible under FOIA. Continue reading Palin Lashes Out Against ‘Grammatical Elites’

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Dear Creditors:

This is to inform you that as of August 2, 2011, I will be temporarily suspending all payments on my current obligations.

Unfortunately this has become necessary because, based on my current contracts, agreements and other necessary spending, I will run out of cash by August 1.  While in the past, I have gone to financial institutions or – if necessary – friends and/or family to secure loans in order to stay current, ‘greater minds than mine’ have informed me that these actions have been irresponsible.  Even though I have already assumed these obligations, I am advised that I should suspend paying all of my bills until such time as I have formulated a plan that will reduce my level of future spending to the point that outside financing will not be necessary.

This may take a while, as the vast majority of my expenses are for necessities; rent, food, clothing, transportation, health insurance, assault weapons, ammunition, etc.  Then, of course, there’s things like phone and internet.  While some I have asked feel these are unnecessary luxuries, others tell me they are essential.  While I think getting rid of them entirely might actually do more harm than good, as it would greatly hamper any efforts to secure full-time employment, I’ll need to figure out a way to cut these costs.

As for luxuries such as ‘going out once in a while’, I’ve discontinued that – but as I had already cut back significantly, the present savings are minimal.

I had thought about asking my employers to pay more for my services in order to increase my revenue to a level where I might  — along with cutting back on non-essentials such as meat and fresh fruits and vegetables – be able to make ends meet.  But again, I have been advised that revenue is not my problem – spending is. Continue reading AN OPEN LETTER TO MY CREDITORS

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Strauss-Kahn Calls New Townhouse ‘A Total Babe Magnet’

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It isn’t exactly a jail away from jail…

Disgraced former IMF Chief and future wearer of a seven-digit number Dominique Strauss-Kahn has finally found ‘suitable digs’ in which to serve the remainder of his house arrest . . . → Read More: Strauss-Kahn Calls New Townhouse ‘A Total Babe Magnet’

GOP Proposal Would Repeal Drunk Driving Laws

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Claiming the mantle of ‘The Party of Personal Responsibility’ and in an effort to correct what they characterize as ‘senseless government intrusion into every day life’, House Republicans today voted to open debate on a measure that would repeal all current drunk driving statutes.

The measure, introduced by freshman Rep. Jackson Daniels (R-TN) and titled “Repeal of the Intrusive Job and Buzz Killing Laws Act of 2011” immediately drew fire from House Democrats, several of whom offered to buy the first round for any Senator who votes to block the measure in that chamber – as passage in the Republican-controlled House of Representatives is virtually assured.

House Speaker John Boehner praised Rep. Daniels while expressing his support for the bill:

“Not only do these laws represent the sort of senseless overregulation long espoused by my colleagues on the other side of the aisle insofar as they impose government mandates on personal behavior, but as with all other forms of regulation, they result in needless expenditure of public funds and more importantly, they cost jobs.  What my good friend Jack has done in drafting this historic piece of legislation is bring us a step closer to returning our country to a better time and place – a time where citizens have ownership over their own conduct without some bureaucracy dictating their personal behavior.” Continue reading GOP Proposal Would Repeal Drunk Driving Laws

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Jesus Confirms World Ended Saturday

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Appearing at a poolside press conference at the Las Vegas Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, Jesus Christ officially announced his return in anticipation of his long-awaited showdown with the Antichrist.  In doing so, he confirmed what . . . → Read More: Jesus Confirms World Ended Saturday

Pawlenty Announcement to Kick-Off The Tribulation

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So much for ‘boring’.

Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty may make the biggest splash of any of the 2012 GOP candidates when he jumps into the ring on Monday – less than 48 hours after Saturday’s much-anticipated Rapture, and exactly two months since he chose the day of the last vernal equinox to announce the formation of his Presidential Exploratory Committee.

According to his campaign manager Nick Ayers, the timing of the announcement, “should demonstrate clearly to what’s left of the American public that Governor Pawlenty not only has a pulse, but also has his finger on the pulse of current events.” Sipping from an oversized margarita during the 2-for-1 happy hour at a St. Paul area Houlihan’s, Mr. Ayers added, “The timing of his announcement shows what a brilliant strategist he truly is.”

Karl and Meegan Toomey, whose Pueblo, Colorado-based apocalyptic think-tank just celebrated its eighteenth, and what many in the Republican base believe will be its final, anniversary, concurred with Mr. Ayers – except for the absence of salt.  In their just released ‘Pre-Apocalypse Report, Third Edition’, they conclude:

“If the most influential block of conservative voters is correct, they will all be long gone before dawn on Sunday and the only voters left will be liberals, Gays, Mormons, Jews, and of course, Muslims.  By addressing those voters just as the reality of the End of Days is hitting them, Governor Pawlenty will capitalize on the exact moment they will be willing to embrace the fact that have been wrong all these years…  On the other hand, if the expected Rapture does not materialize, he can quickly pivot toward the center, where he has a better chance of winning mainstream support — and at the same time can woo both independents and disillusioned Democrats by telling the wing-nuts on the fringe of his party to go screw themselves…” Continue reading Pawlenty Announcement to Kick-Off The Tribulation

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Santorum Campaign Braces for 'Enhanced Backlash'

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Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum’s bid to become the first anally conceived Presidential candidate on a major party ticket hit its 47th major roadblock yesterday in the wake of comments made challenging current Senator and former POW John McCain’s understanding of ‘enhanced interrogation techniques’.

Even the most staunch of Santorum supporters, such as ‘Reverend’ Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church, acted quickly to distance themselves from this latest gaffe.

“In light of some recent, disturbing remarks made by Senator Santorum, the Westboro Baptist Church has decided to postpone indefinitely his planned appearance as a guest pastor,” Phelps announced to reporters reading from a prepared statement.  “While we still share much common ground, recent events have called into question Mr. Santorum’s sense of propriety and decorum.  For example, we are confident that just as God and we do – and in spite of the fact that he’s using a Langston Hughes quote as his campaign slogan – Mr. Santorum really does hate fags.  But when we consider candidates for such an exalted office as President of the United States, we cannot ignore patterns of behavior they exhibit publicly.  Therefore, we have decided to withhold any decision regarding support until such time as the Senator demonstrates the same sort of respect we have always had for public decency.” Continue reading Santorum Campaign Braces for ‘Enhanced Backlash’

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BREAKING: Trump Calls on Obama to Produce Bin Laden's Long Form Death Certificate

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Speaking at a hastily called press conference outside the hotel suite where he was conducting contestant interviews for a new reality TV series tentatively titled, ‘Female Apprentice: The Next Mrs. Trump’, surprise 2012 GOP presidential front-runner Donald Trump expressed his skepticism regarding President Obama’s announcement that US forces have killed Osama bin Laden in Pakistan.

“While I hope it is true – and I’m not questioning Obama’s honesty – I see no reason why he would hesitate putting the whole issue to rest by simply releasing the long form version of the death certificate,” Trump, still brooding over what he earlier described as ‘the vicious, not funny attacks’ he ‘was forced to endure’ at Saturday’s White House Correspondents Dinner told the handful of gathered reporters.  “That being said, if it is true then I am so very proud of myself for having been able to play such an important role in such an important international development.  Let’s be honest with ourselves – as events of the past week clearly demonstrate, if I wasn’t leading in the polls, this administration would never have gotten off their asses and finally done what should have been done years ago.  So while I would still like to see a legitimate death certificate, let me repeat that this – if what is being reported is true – is a great evening for the United States and I could not be more proud to have played such a crucial role in bringing it about.” Continue reading BREAKING: Trump Calls on Obama to Produce Bin Laden’s Long Form Death Certificate

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Boehner Proposes Human-Backed Currency

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Arguing that the impending Congressional battle over the national debt ceiling underscores the need for U.S. currency to be backed by tangible assets, House Speaker John Boehner introduced legislation today that would tie the value of the dollar not to gold or silver, as was done in the past, but rather directly to the people of the United States.

“I have always maintained that our greatest national resource – our treasure if you will – is the American people themselves.  And unlike many of my opponents, I truly believe that – I don’t just say it to kiss-up to the voters,” he told a group of disinterested reporters.  “How better to ensure the ongoing value of the dollar than to back it with our most valuable and uniquely American asset?”

When pressed about the possible repercussions of granting America’s creditors, or for that matter any holder of U.S. currency, the right to exchange their dollars for American citizens, the enthusiastic Speaker responded, “That’s the beauty of the whole plan!  China, by far our biggest creditor, is already overpopulated.  They’ll hold the paper forever and never redeem it.  It’s kind of like what the mint and post office do with commemorative  and collectible coins and stamps – a large percentage will just sit in a drawer somewhere and never circulate.  It’s pure profit.”

When asked what inspired such a unique plan for currency valuation, the Bronze Clod explained:

“I had just finished reading an essay espousing a return to the gold standard when I realizedI needed to relieve myself.  On my way down the hall to the ‘Little Speaker’s’ room, I was thinking about how, if we don’t raise the debt ceiling and default on our debt, the value of the dollar, currently being based solely on people’s confidence that the U.S. government will always meet its obligations, would go down so far that all it would be good for is – well, let’s just say that the last time Ben Franklin saw that many naked butts was when he was in Paris… But anyway, there I was contemplating this problem while trying not to look left, right or down, and right there in front of me, the good Lord put two words that have long been associated with relieving the people of their burdens – ‘American Standard’.  That’s when it hit me.  After all, even gold can’t measure up to the value of the American people.” Continue reading Boehner Proposes Human-Backed Currency

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Study: Current GOP Base Closely Resembles Nation’s Forefathers

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A recent study conducted by a blue-ribbon panel comprised of the country’s top historians, sociologists, anthropologists, psychologists, numismatists, philatelists, clergy, astrologers, and pole-dancers has concluded that, as a group, those Americans who currently identify themselves as ‘Conservative Republican’  resemble the country’s forefathers more closely than any other group in many generations.

“As the subjects of our study often compare themselves to the ‘Founding Fathers’, it is important that we understand the distinction between the term ‘forefathers’ and their own, self-chosen label,” cautioned Robert Furman, who chaired the panel’s philatelist committee.  The ‘Founding Fathers’ were those we regard as the leaders of our Revolution who formed the system of government that has survived to this day, in no small part because they were products of what today is referred to as the ‘Age of Reason’ or ‘Age of Enlightenment’ – a period during the mid to late eighteenth century where thought and reason, for the first time in human history,  often prevailed over blind faith in accepted ancient rituals and superstitions. The nation’s ‘forefathers’ preceded them by over 100 years.  They’re the ones who wound up here because they were so fanatical about their religious beliefs that the English and Europeans set them adrift at sea…  And by the way, did you know that Benjamin Franklin was our first Postmaster General?”

Mr. Furman’s conclusions were expounded upon by renowned sociologist Anthony Vita, a panel member and author of the new book, ‘Batshit Crazy: Race, Religion, and Their Places of Honor in Contemporary American Politics’, who explained, “The Founding Fathers were the ones who recognized the importance of maintaining separation of Church and State not so much to keep the government out of people’s religion, but more so to keep any one church from controlling the government – a fate suffered by those who had earlier come to our shores rather than face persecution in their native lands.  They gave us our Declaration of Independence and Constitution.  Our forefathers, on the other hand, are the ones who came earlier and gave us witch burnings and Indian massacres.” Continue reading Study: Current GOP Base Closely Resembles Nation’s Forefathers

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