Strip the Part-Time Congress of Employer-Provided Health Insurance: Petition by The Desperate Blogger

Click here to link to petition.

The following letter is attached to the petition:

To: The U.S. House of Representatives

Strip Congress of Employer-Provided Health Insurance and Other Benefits.

With 2013 figuring to be a pivotal year for our country in terms of determining the future course of our economy, how we deal with vexing social issues — and perhaps even more vexing whether you’re a Democrat or Republican, Chris Christie’s prospects for 2016 — it is crucial, as the public is reminded incessantly, that our lawmakers “roll up their sleeves and get to work on behalf of the American people”. As evidence of how seriously your leadership takes this awesome responsibility, the Majority Leader has scheduled you to be in session for excruciatingly exhausting 126 days during the coming year.

With spending cuts being the number one priority of the majority party of your body, it is understandable why the Leader might consider cutting people from full-time down to part-time in order to reduce costs. But as your salaries are unaffected by the reduced hours, that leaves only a reduction in benefits as the means by which this bold, visionary move will actually save the taxpayers any money.

Not that anyone begrudges you your government-run healthcare, but until a majority of the country’s other part-time and underemployed workers are afforded such benefits (one way or another), aside from adding to the deficit your continued coverage would also set a precedent that may reflect negatively on the vaunted status you currently hold in the minds of either nine or twelve percent of the population (depending on your preferred pollster). Continue reading Strip the Part-Time Congress of Employer-Provided Health Insurance: Petition by The Desperate Blogger

Iran Sends Delegation to Assist Florida Election Officials

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today announced that he has dispatched a team of election officials to Florida to assist officials there in tabulating the results of Tuesday’s Presidential race.

“I was shocked and saddened to see images on the news in recent days which showed so many dark skinned people waiting on lines that stretched as far as the eye could see — some spending their entire day waiting in the heat to exercise their right to vote,” the one-time influential leader told reporters. “It reminded me of sadder times here at home — before we embraced the freedom and democracy we all enjoy now.”

Ahmadinejad also added, “I found it particularly sad because Gov. Rick Scott has always been such a good friend to me ever since we first met back when I was running for mayor of Tehran. I’ll never forget meeting him at a spaghetti dinner fundraiser and finding, much to my surprise, how much we had in common — particularly when it comes to our philosophy regarding the role of government.” Continue reading Iran Sends Delegation to Assist Florida Election Officials

ROMNEY WINS OHIO

Ohio Secretary of State Jon Husted announced early this afternoon that he has certified the final vote tally from tomorrow’s Presidential election and that former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney is the winner of his state’s 18 electoral votes. Officials in Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, Virginia, and Florida are expected to follow suit as soon as Tuesday morning.

Reading from a prepared statement, Husted told reporters, “Because this may very well be the most important election in our nation’s history, I believe it would have been the height of irresponsibility to have waited until the last minute before certifying the vote. Ohioans’ voices deserve to be heard.”

When asked if his decision might be considered premature, the visibly irate Secretary shot back, “I didn’t hear any of you media types criticizing the head of FEMA for spending millions of dollars to deploy resources to the Northeast just because a couple of so-called scientists predicted a hurricane would strike there — even though everybody knows that most of those storms make landfall much farther south. My experts forecast that Gov. Romney will garner the majority of votes, so I acted accordingly. The good people of this state don’t pay me to sit on my hands; they pay me to do my job.” Continue reading BREAKING NEWS: ROMNEY WINS OHIO

New Trade School Teaches Students to Profit from Hate

The Amalgamated School of Social Hatred and Organized Lunatic Entrepreneurial Studies, Inc., a for-profit corporation fully accredited by the Arizona Department of Education, is a joint venture of FreedomWorks, the Fox . . . → Read More: New Trade School Teaches Students to Profit from Hate

Romney/Ryan Campaign Releases Medicare Plan Details

Responding to repeated calls to provide more details as to how a Romney Administration would overhaul Medicare as promised, campaign officials today released an outline of the GOP ticket’s prescription to save the ailing entitlement program.

The most anticipated, and consequently most controversial part of the plan – known as ‘New Romneycare’ — focuses on how Medicare would deal with those who do not – or cannot – purchase private insurance after receiving their Federal Premium Assistance (Voucher).

According to the outline, uninsured seniors in need of medical treatment would be able to simply call a toll-free number and provide one of the many Medicare professionals at a phone bank (located just outside Karachi, Pakistan) with their name and address.

Arrangements would then be made to have them transported – via a ‘New Romneycare’ approved vehicle – to a new type of specially designed facility described in the plan as “A Nice Farm Upstate” where, according to senior Romney health care policy advisor Mark E. Dissaud, “They’ll have lots of room and fresh air and a lot of friends their age around. It will be a much better life than they would have had at home, or worse yet, in an expensive traditional hospital or long-term care facility.”

House Speaker John Boehner hailed the ‘New Romneycare’ plan as “the breakthrough idea we’ve been searching for to consolidate, and thereby improve, the level of care provided — especially to those most in need — while cutting costs at the same time.” Continue reading Romney/Ryan Campaign Releases Medicare Plan Details

BREAKING: Rising GOP Star Commits Political Suicide

House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan (R-WI) has sadly taken his own very promising political life by agreeing to accept former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney’s offer to serve as his Vice Presidential running mate in the November general election.

Congressman Ryan was 42.

Ryan, who first recklessly jeopardized his career in 2010 by proposing a budget that would, among other things, turn Medicare into a voucher program as well as cut discretionary domestic spending by 20% without specifying from where any of the cuts would come, was the favorite of many in his party to not only have run for President in this election — but when it became apparent that every serious Republican candidate chose to concede the election to incumbent Barack Obama by leaving the field of prospective candidates open enough for a lightweight like Gov. Romney to secure the nomination — was expected to be one of the GOP front runners for President had he chosen to run in the 2016 election — in spite of his tender age.

Congressman Ryan was eulogized on both sides of the aisle as a shining star who burned brightly, but for far too short a time.

“As low as I’ve ever felt, and as low as I’ve ever been accused of being, I’ve never felt lower than I feel today,” lamented House Speaker John Boehner, “His budget had obviously been a cry for help — and we all missed it. As leader, I must accept responsibility for the tragic loss of such a promising young man, and someone who may very well, had he lived long enough, have carried the mantle in our Party’s crusade to return to the Gilded Age of the late 19th century.”

The Bronze Clod continued, “As Republicans, our concern is not so much with Paul’s family, but rather with the future of the party. The loss of one of the very few credible candidates that we might have been able to put up in 2016 is absolutely devastating, and I for one ask the entire nation to join me in prayer to help preserve our two-party system.” Continue reading BREAKING: Rising GOP Star Commits Political Suicide

Romney Campaign Vetting Chase for VP Slot

Sources familiar with the vice presidential vetting process for former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney’s ill-fated 2012 presidential campaign have confirmed that long-time Romney associate J.P Morgan-Chase is being thoroughly vetted for the number . . . → Read More: Romney Campaign Vetting Chase for VP Slot

Romney in Israel: “Governments Should Spend Like Jews”

A mere 48 hours after impressing London residents in a manner unmatched by a foreign dignitary since renowned German aerospace engineer Wernher von Braun shared with them his love of rocketry some seventy years ago, former Massachusetts governor and one-time presidential candidate Mitt Romney brought his three-nation ‘Barnstormer of Charm’ tour to Israel Saturday. And speaking at an international economic symposium at Tel Aviv University, he delivered remarks many experts agree may even overshadow his Olympic performance.

Sharing his views on current global economic conditions, most notably the Eurozone crisis and the slow rate of recovery in the United States, an uncharacteristically emotional Romney whipped the crowd into a frenzy when he concluded his remarks by offering his solution while simultaneously paying his own unique form of tribute to his audience’s heritage.

“For far too long, liberal and socialist policies have led not only to increased dependence on government, but also to unsustainable budget deficits,” the man many from England now refer to affectionately as the ‘taxation tallywacker’ lectured. “Governments have been spending money like they’re drunken sailors when they should be spending like they’re Jews.”

So impressed was the Sabbath day crowd in attendance that immediately following the speech, calls went out to prestigious academic fraternity Delta Tau Chi to bestow – for the first time upon a Mormon on Israeli soil – its highest honor, “The Goy Clip”, a ritual form of retaliatory circumcision.

Reaction in the United States was not only overwhelmingly positive, but also unusually bipartisan. Continue reading Romney in Israel: “Governments Should Spend Like Jews”

Syria Cuts Off U.S. Access to Torture

The Syrian government announced this morning that it is “suspending indefinitely” its involvement with the United States’ “extraordinary rendition” program, effective immediately.

The program, begun under the Clinton administration and later accelerated beyond all recognition under the Bush administration following the terrorist attacks of 9/11, allows for foreign nationals detained by the military, FBI and CIA to be transported, for interrogation purposes, to other countries where their protections guaranteed under the Geneva Conventions and international law presumably do not apply. Syria has long been one of the program’s preferred destinations due to the Assad regime torture program’s reputation as one of the world’s elite as well as for low labor costs.

A short time later, the Assad regime issued a statement emphasizing that this action was necessitated by current manpower constraints, and “should in no way be interpreted as retaliation for the imperialist dogs’ support of the terrorist rebel forces seeking the overthrow of Syria’s legitimate government.”

Major Ali Qik-Bhutti, a high ranking Syrian official connected with the program, who spoke on condition of anonymity citing fear of reprisals, corroborated the official line.

“Under normal conditions, we seldom have a shortage of qualified, experienced torturers. But ever since the entire country outside Damascus hit the fan, we can’t keep up,” Major Qik-Bhutti confirmed, “Even with the influx of Libyan and Egyptian refugee contractors, our manpower is spread dangerously thin just dealing with our own domestic infidel pigs.”

According to Professor Newton Toomey, Distinguished Fellow and Honorary Chair of Enhanced Interrogation Studies at Pueblo State University, Syria’s move could not have come at a worse time for the Obama administration.

“There are two things no administration wants to have happen in an election year,” Toomey noted, “First: you don’t want the country to appear more vulnerable to a terrorist attack, and second: you don’t want to raise public awareness to the fact that you’re still doing these things. If I were the President, I’d be trying to figure out a way to get Putin to warm up to me ASAFP.” Continue reading Syria Cuts Off U.S. Access to Torture

BREAKING: Romney Selects Florida’s West as Running Mate

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Willard ‘Mitt’ Romney stunned the political establishment and left pundits scrambling for their notes this morning when he announced his choice of freshman Florida Congressman Allen West to round out the GOP ticket. If Romney is elected, West would become the first African American and only the third paranoid schizophrenic to hold the office of Vice President of the United States.

Making his first public appearance with a black man, Romney praised West’s “… keen understanding of the vital issues we face born from a distinguished career in service to our country,” before noting, “And look at him — his hair is just the right length.”

Speaking to reporters gathered at his family vacation compound in the tony New Hampshire enclave of Lake Weepissondappor, the former Massachusetts Governor and Prep School ‘prankster’ quickly dismissed the notion that race played a factor in his decision:

“Allen understands, as I do, the empirical threat to the United States posed by the Soviet Union and will work with me in continuing the good work he has already begun to root out Communists in Congress as well as other areas of government. He also understands – as he discussed with voters just yesterday – that the economic policies pursued by President Obama will ultimately lead to government enslavement of the American worker – something we firmly believe is better left to the private sector.”

West, a Tea Party favorite sure to solidify support for Romney among African American fascists, was not on most experts’ ‘Veepstakes’ radar despite being touted for the post by the likes of Herman Cain, South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley, and former Miss Alaska runner-up Sarah Palin. Last April, Palin told her Fox News colleague Sean Hannity, “I love that he has military experience – 20 years and all of it in integrated units… He understands the Constitution. He understands our national foreign policy issues that must be addressed. And for my money, he’s still the best to ever play Batman.” Continue reading BREAKING: Romney Selects Florida’s West as Running Mate