Fraud Allegations Taint al-Zawahiri Victory

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ABBOTABAD, PAKISTAN (DBI) – Ayman al-Zawahiri is drawing fire, but not from U.S. Navy SEALS.

Shortly after it was announced that the long-time al Qaeda ‘Number 2’ had been named the international terrorist organization’s new leader, accusations of tampering, voter fraud, and illegal campaign contributions put a damper on the planned celebration festivities, scheduled to include a spectacular fireworks display set off by an ISI-supplied suicide ice-cream truck driving into a Pakistan Army ammunition depot.

Some of the more serious allegations came from Yemen, where supporters of Anwar al-Awlaki complained that hundreds, perhaps thousands, of absentee ballots were not counted, and accused Zawahiri supporters of trying to rig the election against their candidate because he was born, and until 2002 lived, in the United States. Said one Awlaki supporter, “There’s no room for anti-American prejudice in al Qaeda politics.”

According to election official Mustafa al Fiislamaj-Amah, who coincidentally once lived in Houston, Texas, the allegations regarding the absentee ballots are misguided.

“We did have a large number of absentee ballots, believed to have come from Yemen, that were declared invalid because they were not postmarked by the required date.  In fact, most were not postmarked at all,” Fiislamaj-Amah told Fox News.  “They should have thought of that before blowing up Sanaa’s (the Yemeni capital’s) main post office.”

He went on to add, “Personally, I think this is simply a case of ‘sour figs’ on the part of Awlaki’s supporters.  I honestly don’t think counting those ballots would have changed the outcome.  We need to be honest with ourselves – while people, myself included, like Anwar personally, and certainly appreciate his contributions to jihad, the simple truth of the matter is that al Qaeda is no more ready for an American leader than the American right wing is ready for a Black President.” Continue reading Fraud Allegations Taint al-Zawahiri Victory

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Santorum Campaign Braces for 'Enhanced Backlash'

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Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum’s bid to become the first anally conceived Presidential candidate on a major party ticket hit its 47th major roadblock yesterday in the wake of comments made challenging current Senator and former POW John McCain’s understanding of ‘enhanced interrogation techniques’.

Even the most staunch of Santorum supporters, such as ‘Reverend’ Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church, acted quickly to distance themselves from this latest gaffe.

“In light of some recent, disturbing remarks made by Senator Santorum, the Westboro Baptist Church has decided to postpone indefinitely his planned appearance as a guest pastor,” Phelps announced to reporters reading from a prepared statement.  “While we still share much common ground, recent events have called into question Mr. Santorum’s sense of propriety and decorum.  For example, we are confident that just as God and we do – and in spite of the fact that he’s using a Langston Hughes quote as his campaign slogan – Mr. Santorum really does hate fags.  But when we consider candidates for such an exalted office as President of the United States, we cannot ignore patterns of behavior they exhibit publicly.  Therefore, we have decided to withhold any decision regarding support until such time as the Senator demonstrates the same sort of respect we have always had for public decency.” Continue reading Santorum Campaign Braces for ‘Enhanced Backlash’

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US Snubs Possible Al Qaeda 'Olive Branch'

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In recent weeks, officials from the FBI/NYPD Joint Terrorism Task Force have briefed security officials of top Wall Street firms about the existence of a Yemen-based Al Qaeda plot to attack major banks and investment houses — possibly targeting individual high-ranking executives of Goldman Sachs, Citibank, JPMorgan Chase, and Barclays, among others.

The move follows months of infighting among national security officials since the initial discovery of the planned attacks.  While some experts see the plot as an attempt to further disrupt US and world financial markets, many see it as a gesture intended to be a first step toward a dialogue and perhaps reconciliation with the West.

“Clearly, it is not unreasonable to interpret this as a ‘peace offering’ aimed at what little is left of the American middle class,” according to Newton Toomey, professor of 21st Century Financial Terrorism at Pueblo State University.  “It may very well be their way of saying to the average taxpayer and/or homeowner, ‘we understand and we’re with you’ — after all, who better to understand the prospect of living in caves while ducking bill collectors?”

House Speaker John Boehner, speaking on condition of anonymity after being briefed on the situation by Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano late last night, applauded the decision to “err on the side of caution and presume the worst possible motives” in responding to any threat.  “While I could never say this on the record, I applaud the courage shown by the Administration in their handling of this situation.  In the wake of the financial meltdown, the subsequent taxpayer-funded Wall Street bailout and the millions of resulting foreclosures, it would have been easy to do the ‘popular thing’ and allow events to unfold in due course without interference,” the visibly concerned Boehner told an Al Jazeera reporter posing as a tanning booth technician, adding, “With the Republican Party facing its most crucial election in decades, I am personally elated that Wall Street executives will be kept safe.  I only hope the same can be said about our other big donors.” Continue reading US Snubs Possible Al Qaeda ‘Olive Branch’

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