Take Five (True Lies edition)

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ONE: And arrest his ass if he dares to campaign in Maricopa County!

On a hunch, I just did a Google search using the words “sheriff idiot” and six of the first 10 results referenced Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the shame of Arizona’s Maricopa County. In fairness, one of the six used the word “idiot” only to describe some protestors that Arpaio squared off against last year, and in another hit, idiot status was actually being conferred on Sheriff Clarence Dupnik of Pima County, though Arpaio was heavily featured in the article.

Still, my little search is a testament to just how famously objectionable and objectionably famous Arpaio is. “America’s toughest sheriff” (as he likes to describe himself) has been offending people for nigh on 20 years now, but according to fellow idiot Jerome Corsi of WorldNutDaily, he’s just found a way to raise his game to a whole new level:

… Sheriff Joe Arpaio told WND he has assigned a five-member “Cold Case Posse” to investigate the authenticity of Barack Obama’s birth certificate…

“This investigation does not involve politics,” Arpaio told WND. “I listen to all the residents of Maricopa County who come to my office with complaints, regardless what their politics are.”

Yes, you read that right. A county sheriff in Arizona has assembled a team to sniff President Obama’s Hawaiian birth certificate. I guess the oddest thing about this is that it doesn’t seem odd at all these days. Since the right wing has devolved so far down the food chain that it now ranks below plankton, this seemed almost inevitable.

… Arpaio is responding to a complaint brought to his office by representatives of the Surprise Tea Party in Surprise, Ariz., who have expressed in writing their concerns that the voting rights of Maricopa County residents in the 2012 presidential election could be compromised if Obama were to use a forged birth certificate to establish his eligibility under Article 1, Section 2, of the Constitution.

I surely do wish Sheriff Joe had been on this illegitimate president thing 11 years ago, but at least he’s on it now. His crack(ed) team consists of – whoa, not so fast, bub! Their names are secret:

The identities of the five individuals assigned to the Cold Case Posse investigation of the Obama birth certificate are being withheld from the public, in order to protect the individuals involved from both public reaction and from questions that are certain to arise from the media.

Well, whoever the hell they are, Corsi reports that the team consists of:

… volunteers with professional experience in conducting investigations, including individuals chosen because of their professional backgrounds in law enforcement, as well as lawyers who have participated in criminal or civil cases and individuals with specialized skills in fields ranging from accounting to conducting criminal forensic examinations.

Godspeed you, then, anonymous sleuths! You follow in the shambling, frustrated footsteps of intellectual titans like Donald Trump and Orly Taitz, and you are the last faint hope for all those who like their presidents 100% white.

Oh, and because this operation has 501(c)3 credentials, you can actually donate to the effort, dear reader! Corsi helpfully provides a mailing address for just that purpose. Or you could just take that money, shred it, burn the shreds, collect the ashes, put them in an urn, shove the urn off a cliff, sweep up the ashen shards, drop them down a mineshaft, seal the shaft with cement, then take the shuttle and nuke the whole thing from space. Your choice. Continue reading Take Five (True Lies edition)

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US Snubs Possible Al Qaeda 'Olive Branch'

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In recent weeks, officials from the FBI/NYPD Joint Terrorism Task Force have briefed security officials of top Wall Street firms about the existence of a Yemen-based Al Qaeda plot to attack major banks and investment houses — possibly targeting individual high-ranking executives of Goldman Sachs, Citibank, JPMorgan Chase, and Barclays, among others.

The move follows months of infighting among national security officials since the initial discovery of the planned attacks.  While some experts see the plot as an attempt to further disrupt US and world financial markets, many see it as a gesture intended to be a first step toward a dialogue and perhaps reconciliation with the West.

“Clearly, it is not unreasonable to interpret this as a ‘peace offering’ aimed at what little is left of the American middle class,” according to Newton Toomey, professor of 21st Century Financial Terrorism at Pueblo State University.  “It may very well be their way of saying to the average taxpayer and/or homeowner, ‘we understand and we’re with you’ — after all, who better to understand the prospect of living in caves while ducking bill collectors?”

House Speaker John Boehner, speaking on condition of anonymity after being briefed on the situation by Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano late last night, applauded the decision to “err on the side of caution and presume the worst possible motives” in responding to any threat.  “While I could never say this on the record, I applaud the courage shown by the Administration in their handling of this situation.  In the wake of the financial meltdown, the subsequent taxpayer-funded Wall Street bailout and the millions of resulting foreclosures, it would have been easy to do the ‘popular thing’ and allow events to unfold in due course without interference,” the visibly concerned Boehner told an Al Jazeera reporter posing as a tanning booth technician, adding, “With the Republican Party facing its most crucial election in decades, I am personally elated that Wall Street executives will be kept safe.  I only hope the same can be said about our other big donors.” Continue reading US Snubs Possible Al Qaeda ‘Olive Branch’

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