Take Five (What a Fool Believes edition)

ONE: Bleatings from Asbury Park, N.J.

Which little city has the sixth-best beach in New Jersey, was famously name-checked in a Bruce Springsteen album title, and just got a self-appointed Republican nanny? If you guessed Asbury Park, then kudos to you, even if you only got it from the subtitle above.

Louise Murray used to serve on Asbury Park’s city council, and although the predominantly blue burg no longer has to put up with her in that role, it will have to endure her tenure as chair of the local Republican Party, a position she assumed this week. Murray’s avowed first order of business is to “concentrate on re-energizing the Republicans in the city,” and if you’d like an example of what it apparently takes to re-energize Republicans, here you go:

Beachgoers may be surprised to learn beachwear is illegal on the boardwalk in Asbury — and one resident wishes the city would enforce the dress code rules.

Louise Murray… spoke during public comment at the June 20 council meeting about the issue.

Murray’s remarks no doubt sent an electric shock right through the hindquarters of local Republicans:

“I’ll be darned if I want to be standing at a bar and have somebody slither up in a Speedo or bikini that shouldn’t be in a bathing suit,” Murray said. “It’s disgraceful… I implore you to enforce this, but do not amend it.”

Good thinking. This will finally give Asbury Park’s 86 police officers something to concentrate on other than a violent crime index over five times higher than the national average. And – bonus! – Murray’s position has the support of at least one local Democrat:

Deputy Mayor John Loffredo responded, “I honestly don’t disagree with you.”

So here’s to a boardwalk unadulterated with butt-floss, postage-stamp-sized banana hammocks and other assorted fashion crimes. After all, as Murray insightfully points out:

“I don’t want to go back to 1940 or 1950 but the bottom line is you have on your books an ordinance — no person clad in bathing attire shall be on the boardwalk or public walks adjacent thereto,” Murray said. “Asbury Park was known for being the classiest boardwalk in the summertime. You never went down there unless you were dressed.”

Even if The Boss didn’t want you to be:

“Chasin’ the factory girls underneath the boardwalk where they all promise to unsnap their jeans…”

For all her admirable heavy lifting in New Jersey, I do hope Louise Murray stays away from Oregon. I’m just not sure how she might react to a recent wardrobe-related incident there, what with the GOP being The Official Political Party of JesusTM and all:

State police say a 26-year-old Texas man, who identified himself as Jesus Christ, has been arrested after he was discovered disrupting traffic near Roseburg wearing only his underwear and socks…

The man, whose name has not been released, was able to evade arrest from [a state] trooper for disorderly conduct, even after the trooper used a baton and pepper spray to try and subdue him.

A vacationing, off-duty Virginia police officer who was in the area and an officer from Roseburg soon joined the fray to help apprehend the man.

The Roseburg officer used a Taser on the man as the state trooper and Virginia officer put him in handcuffs.

Now, I don’t know if God so loved the world that He couldn’t even wait until His only begotten Son was fully dressed before sending Him back to this screwy planet, but the last time the authorities got hold of Jesus, things went south pretty quickly. And now we wait uneasily to see if Governor Kitzhaber gets involved, or whether he washes his hands of the matter.

TWO: Joe Rockhead

Viewers of The 700 Club got a rare treat recently when Congressional aspirant Samuel “Joe the Plumber” Wurzelbacher related to the program how he came to Christ. It all began when his youth pastor invited him out for a bite and told him to bring along a science book:

He put the Bible on one side and I put the science book on this side.  He said: Okay.  Read the cover. And I don’t exactly remember, you know, if – my biology or chemistry book, but I do remember this, you know: “Revision 7.”

And he said: Now look at the Bible. What’s it say? I said: “Holy Bible.” He said: Do you see any revisions on it, Joe? I said: Well, no. He says: Well, the reason why is because this is God’s word. You know, it was right the day it was penned, as it is now, as it will be in a hundred years or a thousand years. Man’s always looking for an answer. That’s why it’s revised.

It hit me like a ton of bricks right then and there, and I accepted Jesus Christ there at Frisch’s Big Boy, and it was – it was pretty incredible.

Pretty incredible? The only way it could be more incredible would be if Joe had seen the face of Jesus on the rye bun of his Brawny Lad.

Along with this artful pandering to evangelical voters, Joe is making sure to kiss some NRA ass, as well. A recent web video offered up an idea so thoroughly scrambled it makes the ravings of Wayne LaPierre seem almost rational:

Mr. Wurzelbacher released a campaign web video in which he blamed the Holocaust and the Armenian genocide on gun control laws.

“In 1911, Turkey established gun control. From 1915 to 1917 one-point-five million Armenians, unable to defend themselves were exterminated,” Mr. Wurzelbacher says in the clip. “In 1939, Germany established gun control. From 1939 to 1945, six million Jews and seven million others unable to defend themselves were exterminated.”

Mr. Wurzelbacher’s video features footage of him on a shooting rage blasting fruits and vegetables with a shotgun. As the clip draws to a close, Mr. Wurzelbacher, gun in hand, proclaims, “I love America.”

Maybe you do, Joe, but why do you hate her produce?

THREE: Birth of a Notion

A chastened Arizona Secretary of State Ken Bennett appeared in Take Five late in May, apologizing for having made his state a laughingstock by pestering Hawaii to provide proof that the President was born there:

“If I embarrassed the state I apologize, but that certainly wasn’t my intent,” Bennett, a Republican, told Phoenix radio station KTAR.

Bennett must believe that his brief lapse into remorse cost him some of his GOP street cred, so last week he decided to just go for the conspiracy theory gold:

Secretary of State Ken Bennett says he’s convinced Obama was born in Hawaii, but he now believes the president fraudulently claimed to be born in Kenya so he could get into college. He also believes the president has spent millions of dollars since then to cover it up…

“So if there was weird stuff going on,” he said, “I actually think it was happening back in his college days because I think he has spent $1.5 or $2 million through attorneys to have all of the college records and all of that stuff sealed. So if you’re spending money to seal something, that’s probably where the hanky panky was going on.”

I have to disagree, Ken. I think the weird stuff is still going on. Weird stuff like 59% of Arizona voters actually believing you’re fit to be their Secretary of State. That’s so weird I still have a hard time believing it. Continue reading Take Five (What a Fool Believes edition)

Jesus Arrested after Capitol Melee

What started out as an historic address by the most prominent religious leader ever to stand before a joint session of Congress descended into chaos yesterday as a visibly irate Jesus Christ, apparently responding to incessant hissing, booing, and heckling from the Republican side of the aisle, leapt from the podium and stormed the House chamber — screaming at the membership and throwing furniture indiscriminately.

Order was finally restored only after what appeared to be a legion of Capitol police finally subdued the religious scholar and philosopher viewed by many as their Lord and Savior.

One witness with perhaps the best vantage point was House Speaker John Boehner, with whom Mr. Christ, upon taking the podium, reportedly quipped, “By any chance are your people from Nubia?” According to The Bronze Clod, “I had a feeling it would be a long evening for our guest when, before he uttered a word, (Mississippi Republican) Gregg Harper objected to the Chair recognizing him, insisting that he first lower the hood of his robe in compliance with House rules regarding hats. I’m pretty sure there were also others whose suspicions were aroused when He appeared wearing a hoodie. Frankly, you’d think He would have known better.”

The evening only became more contentious after that.

In His prepared remarks, Jesus (as He told His audience He likes to be called) implored the members of Congress to allow the Bush era tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans to expire as scheduled at the end of the year, close tax loopholes for the wealthiest individuals and most successful corporations, and increase funding for social safety net programs such as food stamps, Medicaid, housing, welfare and unemployment insurance.

This proposal was greeted with boos and jeers from the Republican contingent, with audible comments emanating from their ranks which included, “That’s Socialism”, “Hippie”, and “Get a job — after you take a bath and get a haircut!”

Jesus responded to these outbursts by saying, “A little over 2000 years ago, I suggested to a rich young man that if he wanted to be perfect, he should go and sell what he had, and give to the poor, and he would have treasure in heaven; and he should come and follow me. Over the years, I have realized that nobody — especially nobody in this chamber — is perfect. But for Christ’s sake — and in this case, that would be Me — we’re only talking about a lousy 4%.”

Just moments earlier, His comment that, “… it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter into the Kingdom of God” was greeted with the now familiar yell of “You lie!” from South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson. Continue reading Jesus Arrested after Capitol Melee

Jesus to Address Joint Session of Congress

Jesus Christ, the renowned Jewish philosopher and religious scholar viewed by many as their Lord and Savior, will address a nationally televised joint session of the United States Congress this coming Tuesday, April 3, at 8 PM Eastern time.

According to officials, neither the purpose nor subject of Jesus’s historic address will be known in advance. When asked if this most unprecedented appearance is in any way related to a possible pending apocalypse, a representative of the enigmatic church leader cryptically responded, “Does He look Mayan to you?”

The announcement was made following a reportedly heated closed-door session of the Republican Congressional Caucus which was necessitated by a division within its ranks over whether or not to adopt the concurrent resolution necessary to convene a joint session.

Action on Capitol Hill was fast and furious Friday afternoon after the surprise request to address Congress was submitted by representatives of Mr. Christ. Initially, House Speaker John Boehner’s office indicated that the Speaker sought to move the address to Monday evening — a request which was flatly rejected by the Son of God who expressed concern over the possible alienation of millions of His followers if the address were to preempt ‘Dancing with the Stars’ and ‘The Voice’.

Less than one hour later, it appeared as though the first appearance by a Holy person in the House chamber in recent memory was in jeopardy when Speaker Boehner was informed by members of the GOP’s Tea Party Caucus that they would not support the measure because they feared that an appearance by Jesus on the Capitol floor while Barack Obama is still in office would be perceived as a victory for the President. Continue reading Jesus to Address Joint Session of Congress

Take Five (Thin Soup edition)

ONE: Close to the Edge (and Beyond)

I don’t want to brag here, but I’m beginning to suspect that Take Five can count a certain big celebrity among its avid readership. I’m talking, of course, about the scintillating Victoria Jackson, internationally beloved for reciting poetry while doing handstands back during the ’86/’87 season of Saturday Night Live.

How can that be, you say? Just why would Victoria Jackson – the Victoria Jackson – waste her time on this obscure little column? Well, here’s my thinking. Last week, Take Five featured snippets of the preposterous ravings of WorldNutDaily contributor Mychal Massie. It was a whole heaping helping of wackadoodle wingnuttery, and – I modestly submit – it made a powerful case for Massie being the most out-there Obama critic in all the land.

Now, here’s where it gets interesting. Turns out Victoria Jackson – the Victoria Jackson – is also a regular contributor to WorldNutDaily! It’s true! And the very day after Take Five showcased Massie for the edification of our left-leaning audience here, who comes along and posts the single most ludicrous, paranoid, nitwitted, outright idiotic column ever posted at WorldNutDaily? Victoria Jackson! That’s right, the Victoria Jackson! Move over, Mychal. Victoria’s in the house, and she will not be upstaged.

She begins by listing the three scariest things about President Obama:

  1. private army (like Hitler)
  2. socialist (like Hitler)
  3. media control (like Hitler)

Just a hunch, but I’m guessing that these items could be boiled down to: black man (like Hitler). Yes, I know that doesn’t make any sense, but try to get into the WorldNut groove here. Jackson then gets all factish on us:

A clause hidden in the Obamacare bill, which is now law, gives Obama the right to form a private army…

Which clause, you say? Yeah, I figured you traitors would ask that. It’s hidden, people! Can’t you read? Jackson then compares Obama and Hitler in detail, and finds so many eerie similarities I’m beginning to wonder if they aren’t the same person. I mean, have you ever seen Obama and Hitler together? And why do you think that is?

Next up is something about the Muslim Brotherhood and President Obama’s shameless courting of same. Then, without warning, she segues (that’s entertainment lingo, suckaz) into a meditation on HR 973, that classic example of the sort of bilge Republicans spend their time on in lieu of actually, you know, governing and stuff.

What is H.R. 973? This is a bill designed to protect Americans from being forced to comply with foreign laws we did not enact. The motivation for this bill is to keep judges from using Shariah law, but it would apply to any foreign law judges might use to subvert the Constitution. Let’s call Congress about it: 202-224-3121. I can’t believe I’m even typing this! What’s going on?

I can’t believe you’re typing it either, Victoria! What’s going on?! Up next is something about Muslim books being sold at the President’s former Chicago church, then something else about Islam equating to Nazism. And then, at last, she gets to the point, I think: Barack Obama controls the media. Well, most of it, anyway:

We have one TV channel with glimpses of truth on it, Fox News. The government controls all the rest. NBC left “under God” out of the pledge. Harry Reid left “under God” out of the pledge. Last week, I was a citizen journalist and caught Park Rangers in D.C. on video lying about our national monuments. Now, the government wants to take over radio with fees and fines, and the Internet with a new creepy thing, “The National Strategy for Trusted Identities in Cyberspace,” that will track our every move.

Remember, Cuba voted in Castro, and Germany voted in Hitler. If America votes in Obama for the second time, we deserve a dictator.

Whew! Hang it up, Mychal Massie. You simply cannot compete with that. If there’s a person in America who can, I just hope he or she has already been locked up. Continue reading Take Five (Thin Soup edition)