Iran Sends Delegation to Assist Florida Election Officials

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today announced that he has dispatched a team of election officials to Florida to assist officials there in tabulating the results of Tuesday’s Presidential race.

“I was shocked and saddened to see images on the news in recent days which showed so many dark skinned people waiting on lines that stretched as far as the eye could see — some spending their entire day waiting in the heat to exercise their right to vote,” the one-time influential leader told reporters. “It reminded me of sadder times here at home — before we embraced the freedom and democracy we all enjoy now.”

Ahmadinejad also added, “I found it particularly sad because Gov. Rick Scott has always been such a good friend to me ever since we first met back when I was running for mayor of Tehran. I’ll never forget meeting him at a spaghetti dinner fundraiser and finding, much to my surprise, how much we had in common — particularly when it comes to our philosophy regarding the role of government.” Continue reading Iran Sends Delegation to Assist Florida Election Officials

Ahmadinejad Resigns Iranian Presidency, Launches GOP Bid

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today continued his tradition of stunning the international community during his annual appearances before the United Nations General Assembly – and most observers agree that he’ll probably never top this one.

Shortly before his departure from New York this morning, the former Tehran mayor and longtime falafel vendor announced that he is stepping down from his position as President of Iran in order to focus his full attention on his bid to win the Republican Party’s 2012 U.S. Presidential nomination.

Later, addressing an enthusiastic throng of professors and students at the grand opening of his latest business venture, ‘Mahmoud’s Kebab House and Beer Garden’ located on Columbia University’s Manhattan campus, Ahmadinejad vowed to, “obliterate Kenyan anti-colonial socialism from the American political map.”  He also added that, if elected, his first priority as President would be to, “eradicate homosexuality – not just from the military and the institution of marriage, but from the entire country.”

When asked what he would do to help put Americans back to work, the instant Tea Party sensation responded, “I will rid the country of homosexuals like I did in Iran.  That will free up businesses small and large alike to hire new workers free from the fear that any of their new employees will be gay.”

The candidate, who for the next month will be touring the United States to promote his newly published memoir, ‘Any Man Who Hates Catholics, Gays, and Jews Can’t Be All Bad’, has long been considered a serious threat to win the GOP nomination if he chose to run.  According to FreedomWorks founder Dick Armey, “His core values are certainly consistent with those of the Party’s base.  And frankly, I think the United States is ready for an openly Muslim President.” Continue reading Ahmadinejad Resigns Iranian Presidency, Launches GOP Bid

Ahmadinejad Forms 2012 Exploratory Committee

Supporters of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad filed papers this week with the Federal Election Commission to form an exploratory committee in anticipation of a possible run for the 2012 Republican Presidential nomination.  The move, which came as a surprise to all but a handful of insiders most familiar with the inner workings of the GOP, legally allows the current Iranian President to collect and/or spend more than $5000 while “testing the waters” before formally declaring his candidacy.

Representatives for Ahmadinejad also announced plans for an upcoming lecture tour which, not coincidentally, will include stops in Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina — three key early battleground states for those seeking the nomination.  There are also plans in the works for him to return to the U.S. in the late summer or early fall for a book signing tour to coincide with the release of his much-anticipated autobiography, “Any Man Who Hates Catholics, Gays, and Jews Can’t Be All Bad.”

The announcement follows the results of a poll of likely Republican primary voters jointly sponsored by Fox News and Despots Weekly Magazine which was conducted between January 10th and January 16th.  Results of that poll showed Ahmadinejad with solid leads over current front-runners Mike Huckabee, Sarah Palin, and Mitt Romney, and trailing only the hypothetical “Somebody Kind of like Hitler but with Better Branding.”

According to renowned political strategist Grant Cartman, other candidates “… would be making a big mistake if they took an Ahmadinejad candidacy lightly.”  Mr. Cartman further explained, “His most impressive numbers come from the core constituency any candidate who expects to prevail must win — namely, Tea Party supporters who find many views of their current leadership to be too extreme.  While, of course, the Holocaust denial thing is a potential liability in New York, Florida, and California — admittedly important states to carry — if unemployment is still hanging around 9% or higher, it probably won’t be much of a factor.” Continue reading Ahmadinejad Forms 2012 Exploratory Committee