Take Five (Full Tilt edition)

ONE: I hope the Sherpas don’t forget the sunscreen.

Laurie Roth’s website informs us that the radio host holds a Ph.D. in counseling, is a multi-instrumentalist singer/songwriter who has cracked the Billboard Top 40, is a Tae Kwon Do black belt, a writer, artist and cartoonist, once hosted a show on PBS, and that a hamburger with the works is her favorite food.

She’s also an incoherent arch-conservative nitwit with some astonishingly misguided and virulently dangerous ideas. So naturally she’s decided to run for President. Yet despite her nearly perfect ideological alignment with modern Republicans in all their splendiferous, anti-rational grotesqueness, she’s running under the banner of the American Independent Party, an agglomeration of buffoons who ran a ticket of George Wallace and Curtis LeMay in 1968, and Lester Maddox and William Dyke in 1976. Oh, and a breakaway faction of the party also nominated Alan Keyes in 2008.

Quite clearly, then, Roth is only very tenuously hinged. These morsels from her articles will demonstrate that neatly:

From 2003:

It’s getting harder but I am trying to reach out and touch the far left and feel their pain. If only I could relate to single cell organisms better.

From 2006:

Jerry Corsi is a brilliant author on several books on Iran and was just on my radio show last night urging our support for regime change in Iran as opposed to war. With our troops stationed in a stabilizing Iraq, perhaps with some focus and money we can actually promote, inspire and fund a regime change without another war. Regardless as to how many chapters and turns this WWIII with Islamic Radicals takes us, we must understand the slimly, manipulative, and media savvy quality to these terrorists!!!

From 2011:

Most already know, from entry level to the big boys we all listen to and watch, that Obama is not Constitutionally eligible to be President. Most also know by now that on April 27th, 2011, Obama presented a proven forgery of a long form birth certificate to the media and nation…

Obama has revealed his original intent in his own books and well before he was elected President. He is a redistribution of wealth, Marxist/communist.

Obama’s intent is quite clear by his words, actions, history and associations. He wants two classes of people, the international ruling class, headed by him and the worker bee surfs who obey. To create a devoted sea of surfs, he must throw his followers enough bones that they think he is their savior and messiah.

As a member of that “sea of surfs” I only wish I could spare a moment to reflect on how Barack Obama is my savior and messiah, but I’m too absorbed with the question of who the hell would give a doctorate to someone who can’t distinguish between “surf” and “serf”. Maybe Dr. Roth will write a song about it, to ease my worried mind. Or draw me a cartoon.

But it’s at her campaign website where we get to the heart of what a Roth presidency would mean to America.

If life for all was good enough for the Great Ronald Reagan, Our Declaration of Independence and God Himself…..it is good enough for me.

Viva life!

I will create a liberating tax shift away from all tax except 2% consumption tax.

Which will have the budget balanced in no time!

I will get America completely out of debt within 4-5 years.

See previous snippet.

I will explore and find ways to really improve Health care, via portability and torte reform.

Because of course it’s those damned tortes that made the nation so fat and unhealthy to begin with.

Signing the START treaty with Russia was a bad and stupid move which should be undone.  We need to keep our Nuclear arsenal in place, not decrease it or say what we would or would not do if attacked with weapons of mass destruction.  If a major US city blows up are you wanting to have a potluck and cup of tea as we talk to the UN???  Or,  once we know the facts are you of a mind to respond in kind and with quick force???  I thought so.

Um… what?

The self-described “Annie Oakley of the Airwaves” is not deluding herself that her quest for the White House will be easy:

She has publicly said, “I know this will be like climbing up Mt. Everest in a bikini with no oxygen as far as difficulty, but I love my country and believe I have the right ideas and that this is the right time.”

And hey, should it turn out otherwise, I think Dr. Roth has just hit on a riveting concept for her next television show, though I daresay PBS won’t be returning her calls this time. Continue reading Take Five (Full Tilt edition)

Take Five (Thin Soup edition)

ONE: Close to the Edge (and Beyond)

I don’t want to brag here, but I’m beginning to suspect that Take Five can count a certain big celebrity among its avid readership. I’m talking, of course, about the scintillating Victoria Jackson, internationally beloved for reciting poetry while doing handstands back during the ’86/’87 season of Saturday Night Live.

How can that be, you say? Just why would Victoria Jackson – the Victoria Jackson – waste her time on this obscure little column? Well, here’s my thinking. Last week, Take Five featured snippets of the preposterous ravings of WorldNutDaily contributor Mychal Massie. It was a whole heaping helping of wackadoodle wingnuttery, and – I modestly submit – it made a powerful case for Massie being the most out-there Obama critic in all the land.

Now, here’s where it gets interesting. Turns out Victoria Jackson – the Victoria Jackson – is also a regular contributor to WorldNutDaily! It’s true! And the very day after Take Five showcased Massie for the edification of our left-leaning audience here, who comes along and posts the single most ludicrous, paranoid, nitwitted, outright idiotic column ever posted at WorldNutDaily? Victoria Jackson! That’s right, the Victoria Jackson! Move over, Mychal. Victoria’s in the house, and she will not be upstaged.

She begins by listing the three scariest things about President Obama:

  1. private army (like Hitler)
  2. socialist (like Hitler)
  3. media control (like Hitler)

Just a hunch, but I’m guessing that these items could be boiled down to: black man (like Hitler). Yes, I know that doesn’t make any sense, but try to get into the WorldNut groove here. Jackson then gets all factish on us:

A clause hidden in the Obamacare bill, which is now law, gives Obama the right to form a private army…

Which clause, you say? Yeah, I figured you traitors would ask that. It’s hidden, people! Can’t you read? Jackson then compares Obama and Hitler in detail, and finds so many eerie similarities I’m beginning to wonder if they aren’t the same person. I mean, have you ever seen Obama and Hitler together? And why do you think that is?

Next up is something about the Muslim Brotherhood and President Obama’s shameless courting of same. Then, without warning, she segues (that’s entertainment lingo, suckaz) into a meditation on HR 973, that classic example of the sort of bilge Republicans spend their time on in lieu of actually, you know, governing and stuff.

What is H.R. 973? This is a bill designed to protect Americans from being forced to comply with foreign laws we did not enact. The motivation for this bill is to keep judges from using Shariah law, but it would apply to any foreign law judges might use to subvert the Constitution. Let’s call Congress about it: 202-224-3121. I can’t believe I’m even typing this! What’s going on?

I can’t believe you’re typing it either, Victoria! What’s going on?! Up next is something about Muslim books being sold at the President’s former Chicago church, then something else about Islam equating to Nazism. And then, at last, she gets to the point, I think: Barack Obama controls the media. Well, most of it, anyway:

We have one TV channel with glimpses of truth on it, Fox News. The government controls all the rest. NBC left “under God” out of the pledge. Harry Reid left “under God” out of the pledge. Last week, I was a citizen journalist and caught Park Rangers in D.C. on video lying about our national monuments. Now, the government wants to take over radio with fees and fines, and the Internet with a new creepy thing, “The National Strategy for Trusted Identities in Cyberspace,” that will track our every move.

Remember, Cuba voted in Castro, and Germany voted in Hitler. If America votes in Obama for the second time, we deserve a dictator.

Whew! Hang it up, Mychal Massie. You simply cannot compete with that. If there’s a person in America who can, I just hope he or she has already been locked up. Continue reading Take Five (Thin Soup edition)