Syria Cuts Off U.S. Access to Torture

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The Syrian government announced this morning that it is “suspending indefinitely” its involvement with the United States’ “extraordinary rendition” program, effective immediately.

The program, begun under the Clinton administration and later accelerated beyond all recognition under the Bush administration following the terrorist attacks of 9/11, allows for foreign nationals detained by the military, FBI and CIA to be transported, for interrogation purposes, to other countries where their protections guaranteed under the Geneva Conventions and international law presumably do not apply. Syria has long been one of the program’s preferred destinations due to the Assad regime torture program’s reputation as one of the world’s elite as well as for low labor costs.

A short time later, the Assad regime issued a statement emphasizing that this action was necessitated by current manpower constraints, and “should in no way be interpreted as retaliation for the imperialist dogs’ support of the terrorist rebel forces seeking the overthrow of Syria’s legitimate government.”

Major Ali Qik-Bhutti, a high ranking Syrian official connected with the program, who spoke on condition of anonymity citing fear of reprisals, corroborated the official line.

“Under normal conditions, we seldom have a shortage of qualified, experienced torturers. But ever since the entire country outside Damascus hit the fan, we can’t keep up,” Major Qik-Bhutti confirmed, “Even with the influx of Libyan and Egyptian refugee contractors, our manpower is spread dangerously thin just dealing with our own domestic infidel pigs.”

According to Professor Newton Toomey, Distinguished Fellow and Honorary Chair of Enhanced Interrogation Studies at Pueblo State University, Syria’s move could not have come at a worse time for the Obama administration.

“There are two things no administration wants to have happen in an election year,” Toomey noted, “First: you don’t want the country to appear more vulnerable to a terrorist attack, and second: you don’t want to raise public awareness to the fact that you’re still doing these things. If I were the President, I’d be trying to figure out a way to get Putin to warm up to me ASAFP.” Continue reading Syria Cuts Off U.S. Access to Torture

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Santorum Campaign Braces for 'Enhanced Backlash'

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Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum’s bid to become the first anally conceived Presidential candidate on a major party ticket hit its 47th major roadblock yesterday in the wake of comments made challenging current Senator and former POW John McCain’s understanding of ‘enhanced interrogation techniques’.

Even the most staunch of Santorum supporters, such as ‘Reverend’ Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church, acted quickly to distance themselves from this latest gaffe.

“In light of some recent, disturbing remarks made by Senator Santorum, the Westboro Baptist Church has decided to postpone indefinitely his planned appearance as a guest pastor,” Phelps announced to reporters reading from a prepared statement.  “While we still share much common ground, recent events have called into question Mr. Santorum’s sense of propriety and decorum.  For example, we are confident that just as God and we do – and in spite of the fact that he’s using a Langston Hughes quote as his campaign slogan – Mr. Santorum really does hate fags.  But when we consider candidates for such an exalted office as President of the United States, we cannot ignore patterns of behavior they exhibit publicly.  Therefore, we have decided to withhold any decision regarding support until such time as the Senator demonstrates the same sort of respect we have always had for public decency.” Continue reading Santorum Campaign Braces for ‘Enhanced Backlash’

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